hell of a good man

it takes a hell of a good man
to be better than no man at all
~hell of a good man (blues song)

so true. so damn true. single and lonely are not the same thing. it's possible to enjoy not having a man; being obligated to nobody but yourself, not hurting anyone but yourself, taking care of nobody but yourself, the list goes on and on. and after all, almost good enough isn't good enough. sometimes you need time off from relationships to realize how much you yourself are worth. there's no need to settle for less just to have someone. hold out for special, not average. you deserve it.

attainable goals

i want to be happy like a bird with a french fry.
such a simple goal, to be pleased with little things instead of worrying about the whole world.
that is what i really want.

summer research?

O. M. G.
i've been looking for summer research positions (and when i say i've been looking, i mean i started sending emails last night and sent one out before i got distracted by the internet). nonetheless, the one i sent last night is super-important, because the lab does EXACTLY what got me interested in biological engineering in the first place. guess what's sitting in my inbox when i wake up? there might be a spot open for me for this summer!
i am honestly so excited it is not even funny. i think i might be a huge dork.

absence : love :: wind : fire

absence intensifies real love in the same way that the wind will cause a forest fire to grow.
and skype still qualifies as an absence.
i miss my boyfriend and i am trying to go the week of spring break without going insane on days that we don't get to talk. this is difficult. but the learning, it happens.
loving someone is allowing them to cause you the pain of missing them.

passions

i sometimes wonder if i've chosen the right major. they tell you to choose something you're passionate about, something that'll make you happy to go to work, but they never tell you what to do when you have one but not the other.
music is what i do. it's always been a part of my life, but in the past less-than-a-year it's become more so than it used to be. and last week in rehearsal i found a part of me that gets so incredibly fired up by what i do that it seems to tap into something inside that i never knew i had and yes, i become an incoherent little ball of energy, so much so that i can't help but want to share it with everyone around me.
but i don't feel that for anything else. i'm not including interpersonal relationships in that "anything else", because i think they are an entirely different sort of thing and need to be handled exquisitely carefully. but bioengineering? i'm fascinated by it, yes, but i can't find that passion. and i don't know whether i used to have it and it's just been submerged by my general indifference towards my classes, or whether i genuinely don't have it at all. and that makes me afraid, because while i don't want to be a starving artist (even for the sake of doing something i genuinely love), neither do i want to wake up some morning thirty years from now and realize that i should have been a music major after all.
i just want to find that fire and be able to use it towards everything in my life. i feel like i would be so much better at everything if i could.

the new facebook

people need to shut up about how much they hate the new facebook. yes, it's imitating twitter, which annoys me in and of itself. yes, it updates you on the mindlessly insignificant things that people do on facebook. no, i don't care what groups people join or what they post, but i am adult enough to ignore that and just get on with my life. and if you bothered to look at the rest of the site before making your judgements and filling my feed with stupidity, you would have seen that only the homepage has changed significantly. do i like it? i think i'm ambivalent. but just like you got used to it the last time facebook changed, you can suck it up and get used to it again. now please, get lives.

worry

yes okay i know i am ridiculously screwed up but why do people feel the need to worry about me? worry about your own damn lives! it just makes me feel worse to know that i'm on your mind and that you don't think i'm okay. i have less than a week till spring break and i am handling things as well as i possibly can. stop distracting me from it by saying you're worried because I ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE SO AM I GODDAMNIT I CANNOT HELP THE SHIT THAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE.
it feels better to get that out. but seriously, people need to stop worrying about me. it bothers me.