dear reader,

i'm quite enjoying this chronicling of my life and thoughts, it's interesting to see how i've changed even just in the past two months. and i won't lie, it's nice to have a following of people that actually want to read what i write.

i'm getting what i want out of this blog, but dear reader, are you? are there changes you'd like to see for the new year?

affectionately yours,

Nuala

MAKE LOLS NOT WAR

i have a weakness for cats and thoughtfulness. couldn't resist posting this when it came up 

mika

i am possibly in love with this song:

it is seriously the cutest thing ever and i have no idea why!

:D

PASSED MY ROAD TEST!

life is good!

a prayer from 2008

as i climb the mountain

i believe that i will reach the peak

though i walk through the valley

i will fear nothing

out of the storms and calms

i made myself

i am stronger for having done so

and i will remain strong

i will fight the good fight

i will finish the race

i will keep the faith

this is my walk

Lord guide my steps each day

switching gears

i go back to boston a week from yesterday: and i totally can't wait. i was excited to come back here, yeah, but it's fading fast. at this point i'd rather stay home and work on that arrangement that isn't going so hot instead of going out and seeing people i haven't seen in a while. i think i'm just growing up faster than everyone i left here.

it feels so strange that i have to mentally switch gears when i come back to new york. not to talk to my family, but to have conversation with my friends. when you're used to being able to have intellectual discussions with almost everyone you're around, how on earth are you supposed to be able to drop back into mindlessness like clothes and tv? even music that used to be such a surety for me isn't really anymore, because i'm discovering that the majority of the people you meet have the music appreciation skills of newts! and dead ones, at that.

i can't talk politics because nobody under a certain age seems to really care about what's going on in the world. can't talk music because people only listen to whatever crap is on the radio now (which by the way is getting worse with every passing year). can't talk philosophy, because again, nobody cares, or they just have nothing original to say.

it's just so much easier on my brain to stay in the house. at least with my family i get some good intellectual debate. arguments are delightfully refreshing, especially when compared to agreement-because-i-have-no-clue-what-you-mean or worse, the ever-present "huh?".

i much prefer adult company to that of anyone between 12 and 19-20ish. and the sad thing is, it depresses me, because that seven-year span makes up a good chunk of the world's future. and you look at the crap on tv and really listen to the garbage that passes for music and you say to yourself "wow. the world is royally fucked once we start to run it." and it's completely true.

time zones

time zones are really weird things. i was talking to a friend from hawaii the other night (at like midnight because i don't need sleep) and she said "i'm going to eat dinner now" and i was like whut?

then i remembered they're like five hours behind the east coast. weirdness. thank goodness i almost never have to change time zones =)

dan brown

the da vinci code and angels & demons only make me want to go back to italy. nothing more. maybe it's only because i'm not a catholic.

also, why does langdon have a new girl in angels & demons? whatever happened to the girl from the da vinci code? should i go back and read it again? because i honestly remember him thinking he was in love with her.

and why does dan brown have this tendency to insert romance into thrillers? it is frustrating! if i want romance i will go read craptacularly embarrassingly girly novels with pink covers and stupid titles and revoltingly feminine women. give me thrillers. that's all i'm asking for. THE ENTIRE WORLD DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT BUDDING ROMANCES AND PRETTY WOMEN IN THE MIDDLE OF EPIC AND THRILL.

don't worry dan brown, you are still awesome.

peace on earth...again

Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen, in whom my soul delights;
I have put my spirit upon him;
he will bring forth justice to the nations.
He will not cry or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a dimly burning wick he will not quench;
he will faithfully bring forth justice.
He will not grow faint or be crushed
until he has established justice in the earth;
and the coastlands wait for his teaching.

- Isaiah 42:1-4

the establishment of peace doesn't have to involve violence. wish more people understood that.

new year's resolutions

yes, i know it's a little early. but what can i say? if i don't think of them now, i never will. and maybe blogging my resolutions will make it easier for me to keep them (and by keep i mean actually remember haha).these are totally not in order of importance. at least not consciously.

• make peace with this most recent ex. despite what i've said about him so far, he's a really nice person. i just haven't talked about him enough for y'all to understand that, and i feel bad being so cold to him. but making peace requires resolution number 2:
• BECOME AN ACTUAL MATURE HUMAN BEING. or at least mature enough to act vaguely adult. i think this one needs no explanation.
• learn how to manage my money. specifically, break this revolting habit i have of shopping compulsively.
• eat healthy and lose enough weight to look good in everything i own. consistently.
• read the newspaper and actually be aware of what's going on in the rest of the world.
• learn how not to procrastinate. and how to organize my life.

whatever you resolve to do, write it down somewhere. where it won't get lost. it'll probably help. and enjoy the rest of your holidays!

happy holidays!

hey y'all!

so i'll be taking a short break from the blog for the next few days (most likely just until friday evening, though there is the chance that i won't be back till new year's). christmastime at my house is always hectic, from cooking and decorating to recovering from food comas, and i'm not even going to try and get regular posts in for the rest of the week because it just won't happen. instead, i'm taking time off to enjoy the insanity of my family who i no longer see often enough, and i strongly suggest you do the same. oh, and sleep in whenever you get the chance :).

whatever, whenever, and wherever you're celebrating, spend it well and enjoy your holiday!

festively yours,

Nuala :)

peace on earth

"What kind of peace do we seek? … Not the peace of the grave or the security of the slave. I am talking about genuine peace, the kind of peace that makes life on earth worth living, the kind that enables men and nations to grow and to hope and to build a better life for their children — not merely peace for Americans but peace for all men and women, not merely peace in our time but peace for all time."
- John F. Kennedy

peace is not the absence of war. neither is it the assurance that tomorrow will be like today. peace is the condition in which we are certain that tomorrow will be better than today, and our purpose on this earth is to create and ensure this peace. the point of existence is not to do the best you can for yourself alone, but to make life better for those around you.

if you can change the world for even just one person every day, you're doing your part. i don't mean doing what's expected of you, like paying your taxi driver. that doesn't count. hold a door for someone whose hands are full. don't just walk past someone who's dropped all their papers; help them pick them up. go above and beyond what is expected of you and you will make a difference, i guarantee it. and whatever you choose to do, do it with a smile.

in this holiday season and beyond, spread good will. the world needs more of it.

2008

so what would you think of me now

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

on the way down this afternoon i was listening to 'hear you me' by jimmy eat world and i pondered this line for a while. and i thought about life, and where i've been, and where i am now, and i realized something: i've come a hell of a long way in the recent past.

i struggled with depression and self-esteem issues through most of high school. and i did stupid things, had my heart broken too many times, and became a rather angry person because of it. i'd walk around with my massive ego and an "oh you don't like me? well fuck you too" mentality and seem all right on the outside, but inside i was a wreck. my best friends have been my shrinks more often than i care to think about.

and now i'm somewhere completely different in my life. i'm doing well in all my classes. i have a job. i know some of the most wonderful people in existence, and most importantly, i am not running my life into the ground. quite the opposite actually: i've come out on top this year, and by a huge margin. i didn't think i could handle my own life quite so well, and now i'm finding that everything is going right.

there've been times i wanted to quit, times i was close to cracking. won't deny that. but you know what? you hold on and you say "no you can't beat me down" and you believe that someday soon things will change and then they do.

taxis =P

it seems to be a fundamental rule of the universe that taxi drivers must take you the long way round. always. and it always adds at least a third of the actual travel time to the time you actually take. i disapprove.

but my bus seems to have no delays so far. so eh. i guess it all evens out?

and even if i have delays, just more time to work on arranging and catching up on like a month's worth of heroes. how do i keep missing this show? i don't understand it, i make it a point to leave myself free mondays at nine. weird.

vacation angst? what?

well, i think i might actually be finished packing. now i'm starting to feel weird- really weird- about leaving here though. i guess part of it is because i'm used to having plans and a million things to do all the time, and now i have nothing concrete planned for much of my two weeks in new york. i will sleep and arrange music and that is probably about it. and hopefully still see all my special people (thank goodness some of my favorite people live decently close to manhattan!) cuz i hate separation anxiety. and i get it bad.

it just feels so strange to be going back this time. i guess i've gotten pretty attached to boston and its freakish weather recently.

oh yeah, the weather. that's what's making me angst. like the fact that traffic is going to be disgusting. meh. i guess we'll see, and you'll all know because i'll end up complaining if i'm stuck on the bus.

not to be a debbie downer or anything :), i'm actually pretty excited to see people. and sleep in.

phwhat?

crap. it's supposed to start snowing tomorrow. right around the time when i'm supposed to leave boston. on a bus. on a freaking BUS.

we better not get stuck.

at least i take bolt with its lovely wireless interwebz so i can catch up on heroes that i keep missing for some odd reason. cannot be without the interwebz for too long.

money!

i have a job! i'm making money!

well, not yet, but come january i will be :)

starting off the new year with a job, a boyfriend, and hopefully a driver's license (i should pass this time around *crosses fingers*)? 2009 just keeps looking better and better!

finals = done!

FINALS ARE OVER YES

and i survived all of them and only got rocked by one! surprising, i know :) but it happened!

so now i'm off to a job interview in a little bit (and it's so close to my dorm- w00t for not having to walk to far places in the snow when i get back from break!) and i really hope i get it cuz money is a Fun Thing To Have :)

and then i'm spending a night with my cousin, and leaving campus friday!

i'm gna miss all my wonderful lunatics while i'm gone, but that's why i use four - count 'em, four - chat clients hehee.

hope y'all are enjoying life as much as i am right now :)!

christmas!

IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS

and you know what that means?

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

and

OVERPOPULATED MALLS xD

oh man there are so many people to think about and i have no clue what to get anyone

but you know what? it's all okay.

because

I AM PUTTING UP MY CHRISTMAS TREE ON SUNDAY :D

finals-induced angst

the world is a difficult place to be right now. studying for finals and a new relationship don't go too well together; i get really worried about grades whenever i'm on a study break or thinking about tests, but all i really want to do is spend time with him before winter vacation. makes me feel a lot better about life when we're together.

*sigh* i guess all i can do in that respect is just wait for january and its associated lack of worrying to get here.

at least we have hall breakfast during finals week. share the misery, right?

weariness

"He gives power to the faint,
and strengthens the powerless.
Even youths will faint and be weary,
and the young will fall exhausted;
but those who wait for the Lord
shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint."

- Isaiah 40:29-31

and when they stumble and fall, he is there to pick them up and walk with them back to where they were. put your trust in God and he will not let you fall further than can be remedied, and he will use everything that happens to you for good despite it not seeming so at the time. your tears and prayers are never in vain.

=/

man the world makes no sense right now.

i am totally going to get my shit rocked by my physics final in the morning.

but i have a new boyfriend and nothing on earth could make me worry now.

and i may have forgotten whatever physics i ever knew but all i have to do is pass the class.

and that's what i keep telling myself.

roomie

one of my roomies is moving out! the antisocial one who doesn't seem to like us! i should not be this happy about this!

but i am. why?

MORE CLOSET SPACE :D

also we are keeping her bed as a couch and i am fairly certain we get to keep her desk- so no need to keep mine neat anymore!

i really shouldn't be so happy about this, it feels mean =/ but she's practically never around anymore so all that's really left to make it official is for her to get her stuff out.

augh!

i am terrified of my finals.

and white pants and burritos are the dumbest combination ever which makes me feel extra-stupid.

and finals start tomorrow.

OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT.

words

why do words never say what you want them to?

how do you describe such purely visceral feelings? colors? texture? images?

even music can't express sometimes. sound wakes emotions, amplifies them, but doesn't let them run loose the way i need them to before they implode and make a mess of the world.

all i really need is for people to say what they want to instead of what they think they should. why doesn't this happen?

o noes

cannot brain today. i have the dumb. and the tired. these next few days = badness.

the world is your oyster

“Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. There are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing.”
- Miranda July, No One Belongs Here More Than You

this entire world is here for you, to get as much out of it as you possibly can. life is not about being held down by work and worries, but about making the most of your time on earth. walk with both eyes open to avoid obstacles, but never make the mistake of believing that you cannot dream without your eyes shut. open your eyes and watch your dreams come to you. believe in them and they will.

smiles

i love the world. it is a beautiful place to be tonight.

my secret santa got me gorgeous jewelry.

all three of the previously mentioned guys are out of my life as far as drama goes.

and, well, my face hurts from all the smiling i've been doing tonight.

it's a good sort of pain.

confused by happiness

life has now come to such a ridiculous place that i'm actually confused when i'm really happy. like today. don't know why. it was raining when i woke up and it's still grey outside. i've been awake since 8, hearing auditionees since 10, and am thoroughly sick of tri-tones and scales. we still have callbacks left to do and then we have to go sing in whatever newbie(s?) we take. this will take a while.

i'm going to a dance show tonight and then my floor is doing secret santa, but that isn't why i'm happy. at least as far as i know. 

and i'm in the process of eliminating guy-drama (2 of the 3 are totally out of the picture but more on that later maybe), but that can't be it either.

i'm so confused.

maybe it's just cuz i look good today.

cooking

so i just discovered that my brain is seriously weirdly wired. i honestly have this odd probably-biological instinct to get up and check on unattended food on a stove no matter who put it there in the first place. and i don't think it's just because i love to cook.

i think my feminist side is now off crying in a corner. must go reassure her.

ju-on

man horror movies are so stupid with the lights on.

ju-on in its entirety consisted of OM NOM NOM and yelling at the movie to stop being retarded.

the grudge was also a stupid movie.

:).

O_O

OH MAN THE RING 2 IS SCARY SHIT

it made me never want to have kids.

it is also an awful movie. alternating between AUGH and huh? is not the best way to spend a few hours of your life.

that being said, i want to see Ring 0.

northern lights

hmm. is it possible to see the aurora borealis from vermont?

and what time(s) of year does it happen anyway?

does anyone know?

wonderful

the world is such a beautiful place right now, despite the snow's utter failure to stick. it's crisp and cold outside and it feels so wonderfully clean. the stars are out and i can see my breath and i can find orion! the only constellation i've ever been able to find reliably hehe.

and there are two more days of the semester and about a week left till i go back to new york. at which point i will do my christmas shopping and decorate my house :).

and my january is looking wonderful as well:

spending somewhere on the order of a million hours a week with the most awesome people ever rehearsing and hanging out. having a job and making money. taking a tango class. possibly costume designing for a play. possibly playing in the pit for a musical. no academic classes at all!

the world is a wonderful place and i am so glad to be part of it.

:D

OMG IT'S SNOWING

SNOW

SNOW

it is so cold lol.

but in other news, concerts are over and i am going on vocal rest because i have been doing a ridiculous amount of singing.

and we have christmas decorations all over my floor!

and i downloaded finale and once finals are over i can do all my arranging!

and i have the awesomest friends EVAR!

yay!

semester's almost done

OMG SEMESTER'S ALMOST OVER XD

yeah, last psets were due today and now i can sleep for the entire weekend. yay.

man i need to go to bed.

estoy un poco deprimida

man the world is a shit-tacular place right now. three huge problem sets due in the morning. one is two-thirds done. the other two? haven't even started one, & the other one is only vaguely begun. finals start way too soon. concert week is running us all ragged.

i've had rehearsal for at least three hours every day this week (six hours almost straight today), until midnight every night. i rather think i'm going to be our first freshman breakdown, both on my floor and in the group; i actually don't really know how i've been making it entirely through rehearsals this week. it's awful; by the time i'm alone at night i'm too tired to be anything but okay, but when i need to cry i'm not anywhere where i can really break down. instead i'm in rehearsal or working in my lounge or walking home at night with other people. i don't want sympathy. that's not really what i need. i just need to cry on someone and be held for a while. if i can survive tonight i'll be okay, but it's getting all this work done that's such a problem.

and man i wish i weren't single. specifically, wish i were IAR with the boy. i hate this. i feel so stupid for holding out but i can't let go because when i see him and i feel him watching me i feel like there's something there to wait for even if there isn't and ugh i really just wish i could know he's mine. meh.

on the bright side, i just checked my physics & calc grades and i don't appear to be in danger of failing. *shrug*

snap decisions

so i'm bailing on the formal with facebook guy. it's for a legitimate reason though, we have an a cappella commitment at the same time that night and it's rather important. to be completely honest though, i was seriously considering faking out of it halfway through, either with a phone call or a sprained foot from my insanely high heels. what? i've gotten hurt because of shoes before.

i've been thinking about it a lot, and while we did meet in august, we also don't see each other ever and we've talked way more on facebook than ever IRL. i'm not all that comfortable with spending an entire evening with him, especially now that i've found out he's getting over another girl and i don't really know what he's expecting from me. yeah, it would've been fun, but i also got a better offer (yeah december and holiday parties!) conclusion? i should stop making snap decisions at 2 am. i'm not so good at them xD.

we're still getting ice cream saturday though. unless he bails. which i would be totally ok with.

OH MAN IT IS THURSDAY MORNING I HAVE SO MUCH WORK DUE TOMORROW i should get off the internets.

nice :)

three-quarters of my chem final is on kinetics. this is beautiful stuff.

yummable goodnesses

i need to go back to eating tofu. i miss it. i could seriously live on it for weeks on end, there are just so many different ways to make it delicious. like dipping it in beaten egg & frying it? mmm. but the best has got to be soy sauce + sesame oil + tofu. mm-mm-good.

pumpkin pie is also good. but someone tell me, is there a way to have an entire pie in your fridge and not eat all of it at once? i ate at least half a pie last week over the course of thanksgiving day and the friday after. that can't be healthy.

oh well. i'm taking tango classes in january and maybe going back to fencing :), so those should keep me from gaining too much weight.

tofu is good for you.

belief

I Believe In You-Steven Curtis Chapman

this song makes me feel much better today. still a lot of work to do, still a lot of other stuff that needs to get done (rehearsals anyone?), still so much on my mind that i've been worrying about a lot. the other night i was ready to drop out and work in a jazz club till i could go on broadway. seriously, when i get stressed out the first thing to pop into my head is "how the hell did i get in here?" and then the next thing is "OMG i so can't do this at all" and then i freak out and go to bed early and don't get things done at all. but this song is a reminder that God wouldn't have gotten me here if i couldn't handle it. and when i remember that He knows i can do it, it's so unbelievably reassuring.

so wherever you are in your life and no matter how stressed you get, remember that you can take it all and rise above your worries. darkness doesn't last forever.

nonsense

this absolutely just made my day. it makes so little sense it's absolutely beautiful. supposed to be an ad for Posh Spice's new dress collection, but it's just a whole lot of funny.

weirdness today.

so maybe a few years or so ago (probably more recently than that), i was sure that i was bipolar to some degree, mostly because i had the weirdest mood swings EVER. i don't still think that, but seriously there are days when i'm convinced that i'm not normal at all. one minute i'll be so happy, then i'll crash and be exhausted, then i'll be okay for a while, then i'll just get pissy and blah. today has been an insanely strange day and maybe it's just being tired and worried about finals that's getting to me. i should sleep. i have to be up early to put up a poster (and i've been postering half the dorm today in the hopes that people will come to our concert this friday but it's fun so it's ok). and then i have class and singing and WAH NEED CAFFEINE.

on a brighter note, i might end up doing costume design for the shakespeare ensemble next semester. and our choreo for this coming concert is just awesomeness :).

omg!

Christian Siriano Weathers the Economy With New Payless Deal

OMG CHRISTIAN SIRIANO IS DOING A LINE FOR PAYLESS OMG

this face completely describes my feelings right now.

i love shoes. and this man is adorable.

look at him! he makes the cutest faces! and OMG SHOES!

SHOES!

silly things

meh. life is better than it was last night, but i am pooped.

today's weather is absolutely glorious. warm, sunny, not too windy, and i am walking around in a tshirt. and the puddles are mostly gone!

the prospect of this afternoon's hair appointment also makes me feel better (manageable hair again!), as does the fact that despite the stupid amounts of food i ate last week, leggings are still an acceptable substitute for pants. i don't care what you think, leggings + heels = cuteness as far as i'm concerned. and totally worth it too. i contemplated a miniskirt when i woke up and was really happy that it's actually warm enough for one, but then remembered that tonight we're learning choreo and a mini is probably not practical. oh well, later this week.

also, we put up our christmas tree last night. there is no way on earth that impending holidays could fail to make me happy. decorating next week! glitter! paper chains! tinsel! snowflakes! and speaking of which, WHERE IS THE SNOW I WAS PROMISED? i'm not complaining though, really.

what else? oh yeah, i have some seriously awesome floormates :).