complaining yay >_<

oh man this week is going to suck. no actually, it already sucks. nothing is going to make it better. here's why.

A CAPPELLA CONCERT FRIDAY NIGHT

so this week is hell week. three-hour rehearsals every night, 9 to midnight. it's cold up here, so the heat is on everywhere, so i'm going from heat inside to cold outside like every hour. i got sick a week or so ago and i'm still not back to normal so i'm much more likely to get sick again. oh yeah, and i already have getting-homework-done fails.

spending every evening with lovely lovely people is only sort of compensation for the massive amounts of suck that hell week involves.

BOYS ARE RETARDED

i have three boys to deal with. no, i'm not a ho, there's just way too much going on in my life right now.

there's the boy. who i still adore, and am still holding out hope for, mostly because i am a dumbass and he is perfect.

there's facebook guy, who is weirdly amusing and also WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME OUT WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER!? i don't see any potential there, but we're going out for ice cream & then to a formal saturday (and i'm missing Rite of Spring at BSO for the formal :P) and i am keeping a semi-open mind about him.

and there's the ex-boyfriend! who i've never mentioned! oh lord. irritatingly clingy and awkward and obviously not over the breakup. like really, i want to be obnoxious and all GET OVER YOURSELF AND GO AWAY because he drives me nuts! tries to talk to me sunday nights when he knows i have work to do, facebook messages me about how he wants to talk to me, and UGH GO AWAY I HAVE A LIFE AND AWESOMER PEOPLE TO INTERACT WITH.

i am not actually a bitch (or at least i try not to be), but i put my brain back in sometime mid-fall and realized i could do so much better than him and that i shouldn't lower my standards ever. i know i'm going further in life than he'll ever be able to, intellectually we are nowhere near on the same level, and really the only thing we ever had in common was being hugely dorky over classical music.

man. i really do sound like a horrible person here. this is why i hate talking about him.

CLASSES

classes suck. homework sucks. i have a theatre project due next tuesday that i'll probably end up having to do over the weekend. i have retarded amounts of impossible physics homework. and i have finals in a few weeks! i am absolutely TERRIFIED of my finals. specifically, failing them. i don't think i will, but i have no idea and that's what scares me.

oh yeah, and it's monsooning outside and my pants are currently really wet up to like four inches above y ankles. uncomfortable much? i think so.

i'll try not to bitch so much next post =/ but i still love you all dearest readers.

a minor crisis and some embarassment

an actual conversation i had tonight (the pink text is mine):

wait is this guy white?

yes

ah

why?

that explains everything 

lol

so does that make it better or worse?

idk

all i know is you give white guys an automatic +1000000 or something

lol

me personally?

yeah

man

that makes me feel kinda dumb

i meamn

i give white girls a + but its not nearly as blatant

haha

meh

i dont know if that makes it worse

i think thats just a meh

possibly

it may explain why you said yes

instead of just lulzing him

well, damn. i feel shallow now. should i? i mean, i like white guys. i don't consciously give them points for being white, i just find them more consistently attractive.

and is it awful that i said yes to the formal even though i really have no interest whatsoever in this guy? i'm not trying to lead him on at all, but now i feel like i may be (probably am?).

mostly i just feel shallow though.

dearest readers, i am in the throes of a crisis, however minor it may be. your thoughts would be much appreciated, if only to let me know whether or not i am a lunatic for worrying.

hehee awkward

hehee i just got asked out via facebook. this is hilariously awkward.

obligatory thanksgiving post wooooo!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

and now it's time for me to talk about what i'm thankful for! because that's what bloggers do on Thanksgiving!

in all seriousness though, there's a lot i have to be thankful for. and in no particular order;

• my parents cuz they are pretty cool people actually and fun to talk to
  
• my little sister who is growing up and turning into me and making me feel old =/
• my cousins who i miss muchly and who are all awesome
• my besties from high school cuz i love them all and they know so much about me and they know i'm completely insane but they don't really seem to mind :)
• my a cappella group that i am absolutely and completely in love with collectively because they are such lovely people and we are an insane little family and i would totally have their babies or at least move in with them after i gradumacate
• my suitemates cuz they are never boring and always fun to live with even though they play africa every time they see me working >_<>
• the boy who is not actually my boy (though i am still hoping-ish) because he makes me happy and smiley and warm and fuzzy inside and he makes me want to twirl and sing and also he is a cutie :) and so he is nice to look at
• cameras! especially manual cameras and black & white film! which are awesome!
• living in boston even though IT'S NOT SNOWING YET WTF I MOVED HERE FOR THE SNOW
• the insanity my brain gets up to at weird hours of the morning because it makes me laugh
• FOOD WONDERFUL CARIBBEAN FOOD man i am so excited for dinner
• and of course you, my lovely lurking readers, who make my hit counter jump and make me happy that people actually want to read the nonsense that goes on inside my brain cuz it is so nice to be happy

enjoy your holidays, eat lots, and sleep lots because that's what they are for!

update!

hey guys! so sorry about the lack of actual coherent posts recently; apparently when germs party it up in your chest cavity they invade your brain too. but i'm back to reasonably normal now, so this post i guess will just be a mashup of everythingness.

i'm back in new york. i was sleeping on the bus on the way home until the ride got really bumpy all of a sudden and the first thing i thought? WOOO NEW YORK AND ITS CRAPTACULAR ROADS! and its glorious sketchyness!

and within five minutes of walking into my house, we ended up in a discussion of ebola versus leprosy and which disease is worse and then segwayed into what my family would do if i brought home a lesbian lover for the holidays (just FYI, i am straight, this was only a hypothetical discussion as far as i'm concerned hehe). i really do love my family and its randomosity :).

also, i broke 100 readers today! you guys have no idea how happy this makes me: like i can be seriously bummed out over something unrelated, but when i see my hit counter jumping it makes me all smiley and happy :). so thank you all, dear readers.

:)

i love guys with gorgeous voices. they make me so happy.

that is all.

immune system

oh man. i don't know whether to be depressed or pissed off that i'm sick. at least my headache's gone, but i'm running on like six hours of sleep since 11am friday. and i have rehearsal today. and i'm congested and i was so exhausted last night i couldn't even post about my high school's production of Les Miserables which is kind of depressing, cuz that show was totally worth the two bus rides at ungodly hours of the morning. and the utter lack of sleep. i cried like a million times (again!) but totally in a good way. also, so proud of all you babies back at the hs <3,>

wow. apparently congestion gets into your brain and makes it totally incoherent. that's ridiculous.

belly buttons!

http://jezebel.com/5094835/karolina-kurkova-icon-to-those-with-no-navels

i don't know whether to be freaked out by this or just to find it absolutely hilarious.

i think i'll go with the latter though. imagine if you had no belly button... oh man, you could totally convince people you were an alien. or the beginning of a new race of super-humans. or just, you know, generally awesome.

wow. but this makes me wonder, where did it go? was it just never there, or did it get bored and wander away? will my belly button walk out on me? is someone out there stealing belly buttons? and innies or outies? am i safe?

SOMEONE ANSWER ME PLEASE!

words to live by

let your kingdom come in me

let your will be done in me

here on earth as it is and as it will be in heaven

show your glory to the world

tell your story to the world

let my life be a preview of coming attractions

~Coming Attractions: Steven Curtis Chapman

my patience is fraying, my faith in humanity is failing, and making this my prayer is the only way i'll be able to get through life. i'm glad i've realized this now and not ten years down the line.

standards

everybody's made mistakes. they don't mean you aren't allowed your dignity, your pride, your standards. the simple fact that i walked away from all of you instead of staying and losing my temper shows it. i have more dignity and higher standards than any of you can ever know.

and i really don't think any of you should be allowed to talk like that anyway. who of you had the maturity to actually apologize? one of you. that's all.

don't talk to me about standards. i hold myself to high ones and i won't stoop to your level ever. yeah, that hurt. it hurt to know that despite the way i've trusted some of you, you still think it's ok to throw darts even when it's obvious that they make me bleed. it hurt to realize that some of you don't actually care about me like i thought you did. but you know what? what's past is past. it's gone. and i won't cry about it. not for any of you.

perc!

i'm learning to perc!

for all you non-a cappella's, that's vocal percussion.

i can do hi-hats, ride cymbal, and tenor drum!

and i should have snares down by sunday's rehearsal!

this is so exciting!

tear ducts

i am getting way too emotional over everything lately. and very confused.

it's so comfortable for the most part to remain "in like" with this guy. part of me says 'dammit woman, get a grip and move on, ' but part of me says 'no it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.' and so i don't want to get over him. he's not a distraction (not an unwelcome one anyway) and i can compartmentalize my life enough that he doesn't generally get in the way of working, rehearsing, or just plain unwinding unless i let my mind dwell on him.

but occasionally he does. when i do see him, even when we're not talking i can feel his eyes on me in a sort of pensive way; i catch him looking and he looks away; look, that rhymed! and i wonder what he's thinking behind that lovely face and what he sees of me through those eyes and i think about how confused he makes me and sometimes it makes me want to cry. everything seems to set me off on crying jags lately >_< -

i was watching rent the other night- and i cried. i was wandering through my itunes yesterday- and i nearly cried. i've nearly cried during rehearsal i don't even know how many times this month (all these emotionally intense songs...) and this totally doesn't seem like a lot when i write it down but it feels like so much more! damn you overactive tear ducts!

throwing stones

Video: Tyra Banks Gifts Gender-Reassignment Surgery, Turns on Clarke

oh man. where do i even start?

clarke, you are full of shit. i'm not gna talk about the double standard, tyra does enough of that. but girl, how the hell can you talk about other people like that and then call yourself a Christian? how can you tell isis she's a mistake and then turn around and say God doesn't make mistakes? where is your tolerance? where is the love?

as Christians, and indeed as human beings, we are to live lives of compassion, tolerance, and above all, love. that's what being successful is about. not making money, not being famous, just loving other people and making the world a better place to be. not living that love is how uncrossable lines are drawn; be it between the right and the left, organized religion and those in opposition, anywhere involving latent conflict. people like this are what give Christianity a bad name and make it into some sort of embarassment, when in reality they live in opposition to its tenets.

do you know the story of Jesus and the adulteress? she was going to be stoned after being caught, but he stepped in and what did he say? "He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone:" and the crowd melted away. he had compassion and he forgave her. he forgave her, for a choice she'd made. if we can be forgiven for choices we make, we can't reasonably hold anything against people based on how they're born.

share love. give love. spread love. we all deserve it.

w00t? maybe?

i found my random thoughts binder! and now i don't remember why i was looking for it!

but it's been missing for at least six weeks, so it's good that it's back.

in other news, i ripped my jeans across one knee and it's really noisily windy outside. sadness. it makes me want to stay in bed for the rest of the week *sigh* but i have two tests...

at least i'm going away for a little this weekend.

and then next week is thanksgiving!

cynicism

i was watching Wedding Crashers last night because i had nothing better to do. and the end of the movie got me thinking. why are female characters almost always such utter IDIOTS? it was like claire's only options were staying with her douchebag long-term boyfriend whose name i can't remember and honestly don't care about anyway, or leaving him for john who was a liar and also probably an idiot anyway. and gloria? marrying jeremy after she'd known him for like not long at all? really?

ladies! please! have some dignity! if your boyfriend expects you to meekly follow him when he calls you, are you really going to let him treat you like his property? srsly. you are worth more than that. and being single, contrary to common opinion, is actually not the kiss of death. IT'S ALLOWED.

and this may or may not be relevant, but ever seen The Rock? good movie. very good movie, with sean connery and nicholas cage. but the entire movie is caused by people being dumb! embarassingly dumb! like cage and his idiot girlfriend who decide to get married EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY UNSUITED because she got pregnant!

movies should come with warning labels: don't try this in real life.

paying tribute where it is due

i'm nominating my high school band director for the annual MIT Inspirational Teacher Award. or at least i'm trying to. the form is harder to fill out than i expected, mostly because i'm in the reading room again and it's seriously undignified to cry in public.

the band room is one of the few aspects of high school i actually really miss. by the middle of senior year i was spending about twice as much time in the band room as i did in class: and not just to get out of classes either. whether i wanted to practice, hang out, sit and chill, or whatever, the door was always open for me and my lunatic friends. and for everyone else too, but especially for us. most of us stopped using lockers and left our stuff hanging around the room on a daily basis. we talked about installing a futon under the table since we all lived in there anyway, we kept more food in the fridge than our teachers did, we really were the resident band nerds.

D and G were two of the awesomest teachers i've ever had, simply because they were real people first and foremost. i really don't know what more i can say. they understood us and our myriad quirks, they really did care for us (wrote me more late passes than i care to think about hehe), and they genuinely did enjoy our company. i've had intelligent conversations with them, i've said some of the dumbest things ever, i've just been me all along and they were always cool with it (enough to write me college recommendations too!).

i cried the night of my senior concert, not because i was leaving the high school, but because it was the last time i'd be playing in the band.

i guess all i can really say to you guys is thank you. for everything.

oh sisters :)

so i was going through my pictures folder, cuz i need a head shot of myself for a project, and i found a crapload of photos my sister took this summer of her & our cousin while i was somewhere, no idea where. the two of them apparently find photobooth just as amusing as i do :)

the photos are just so ridiculous and cute and it made me miss her extra all of a sudden.

but i'll be seeing her on saturday!

rock & roll

good performances make me want to drop out of college and become a waitress in a jazz club. or possibly at the stardust diner. this is worrying.

i just got home from one of the most amazing shows i've ever seen. went out with a couple of the girls today to see Tom Stoppard's Rock 'N' Roll. undeniably AWESOME.

it's set in England and the Czech Republic during the Cold War and it is so unbelievably AMAZING. the acting was phenomenal (and made me cry at one point, might i add), the sets were gorgeous and realistic and ON WHEELS, and it was just sooo good! i walked out of the theatre so unbelievably happy cuz it was a really nice end to a sucky week :). go see it. i want to go again :).

also raised some interesting points about humanity but i'm not really feeling philosophical right now, just happy.

and there was a john lennon wall. twice. how can that not be awesome?

no mistakes

"the spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life" - Job 33:4

no idea where i'm going with this verse, but it gives some consolation, considering the fact that life can be so disheartening sometimes.

i am not a mistake.

you are not a mistake.

none of us are mistakes.

we are all who God intended us to be at this point in our lives: all that remains is not to try to become people we aren't, but instead to take what we're given and do our best with it.

yours,

Nuala

official dorkdom

hehee i am officially a dork :)

i'm sitting in one of the reading rooms in between classes and what am i doing? listening to vivaldi and reading the economist. and oddly enough, this isn't unusual at all.

oh well. at least i don't stay in and work on friday and saturday nights. that's beyond, even for me.

i'm getting tired of the word dork. have you ever noticed that if you say a word a lot in a short period of time it starts to sound really strange and wrong? same thing happens when you're reading and a word is used over and over. it's SO WEIRD. hurrah for language and its quirks :)

WTF.

really? you know exactly how my life is going and then you go out of your way to talk to me about your boy?

WTF.

and yeah, i know i said i'm working my way over it. but just because i'm healing doesn't mean i can't be bitter when i choose to, and it sure as hell don't mean it can't still hurt.

show some consideration for those of us not blessed with magnetically charming personalities.

for shame.

a necessary destruction

"the ambiguity of truth, that is absolutely necessary but destroys us"

this came from my theatre professor this morning.

we were discussing the use of light in Ghosts today and its relationship to truth- specifically the blinding sunrise at the end of the play when everything is absolutely dark inside the house- and it got me thinking again about my not-so-epic fail last night.

i had a long and lonely walk home from rehearsal, with a lot of time to brood and make myself thoroughly depressed, and i was mostly pissed off that i have such recurring bad luck with relationships.

but already i can look back and say, well, at least i'm losing those illusions fast, before they consume me completely. it hurts and i'm not over him, but someday i could be.

the joy of life

i'm working my way through a copy of Ibsen's Ghosts (since i have to finish it for tomorrow's theatre class) and i came across this: "The joy of life? Can there be salvation in that?"

i don't know what conclusion was reached in the play since i'm not finished, but yes, there can be. and there is.

i walk down the river on sunny days and watch the water sparkle. i lie around on the lawn in between classes and revel in the feel of the sun on my face. and in such moments, i find peace. i can be swamped in homework, exhausted, or feeling blue, but these are such simple pleasures that just being able to appreciate them makes me forget my worries for a while.

it's refreshing to take my mind off of the garbage life will throw at me, especially since it tends to make me cranky. and when i sit and relax for a while, i feel closer to God, like i understand the world maybe a little better, or like he's reminding me that he's there and no, life doesn't actually suck.

i'm glad i realized this tonight.

fail.

at least there's no need to lie to myself anymore. at least you were nice about it.

but part of me still wishes i hadn't asked. "i do still want to be friends." i know, and i'm glad that you do because it would make life worse if you didn't, but really do you think that could make it hurt any less?

how do i let go of what i so dearly wanted?

it obviously wasn't meant to be? can't help. can't change that you're so much of what i want and none of what i don't. can't change anything.

do i still have my dignity if you don't see me cry?

die on your feet

dignity is the one thing you have that nobody can ever take away from you without your consent.

no matter what life throws at you, no matter how difficult things become, there's never any need to crawl, to beg for it to stop, unless you so choose.

once you do, though, can you really retain as much self-respect as you used to have?

i don't know.

never let anyone take your dignity and self-respect from you. it's near impossible to be comfortable in your skin without them; and when you aren't afraid of who you are life feels so much better.

i would much rather die on my feet than doubt who i am.

yours,

Nuala

dear y chromosome

the y chromosome?

you, dear sir, cause quite a bit of trouble in this world, specifically to the bearers of two x's.

there is absolutely no excuse for your messing with men's perceptions of what is permissible and what is not. do not leave us ladies wondering how you feel. if you are informed that there is someone interested in you AND THEY SAY IT THEMSELVES, do be frank in your discussions of the subject. do not wander off and never mention it again; that approach is not allowed at all. it is not a nice thing to do.

you confuse us and sometimes make us seriously depressed. and depression, well, it SUCKS. at the very least, it involves spending money via retail therapy. in any case, inflicting that on anyone is a madly douche-y thing to do no matter who you are.

so. if you're not interested in her, tell her, but nicely. don't leave her hanging EVER. and if you are, TELL HER because if you don't you are amazingly stupid and probably ruining things for yourself.

guys, man up and use those vocal chords.

yours,

Nuala

christmas mood!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iY4Tom6-wM

i am absolutely in love with the trans-siberian orchestra. officially.

i only really discovered them (it?) a few days ago but seriously? WOW. this song makes me wish for snow and christmas lights and decorating and all that holiday goodness: so much that when i listen to it i kind of want to skip thanksgiving. and i LOVE thanksgiving with my family (especially looking forward to it this year!) and nothing could make me want to miss it.

but this christmas mood i'm in, it's kind of ridiculous hehe. i go walk around boston and almost every store has christmas displays up and i want to go do my shopping and i'm just so excited! christmas is almost here!

well, not really, but you know what i mean :).

~Nuala

teh interwebz

i think i may need to be surgically detached from my lovely lovely laptop. it keeps me nicely connected to the rest of the world but it is so horrendously distracting! i can't even shut off my internet when i work because i need the internet to do this work! it is so not fair.

i should probably not take the laptop to class. that may solve part of the problem, as would actually printing things.

on the other hand, look what popped up in my inbox not so long ago today:

you can't tell me that ecards like this don't make up for the ADD that the interwebz undoubtedly induce in me.

i do so love the internet.

moose are not functions.

silly little things can make you so happy sometimes.

my calc professor attempted to explain today's lesson with a drawing of a moose.

i found all my silverware and dishes this afternoon.

a girl across the hall gave me candy corn :D

and the people i live with are awesomely awesome.

totally made up for the rain and getting blown away with my umbrella hehe.

amusedly yours,

Nuala

breathe (2am)

it's nice to be in college. the probability that people you actually enjoy talking to will be online is pretty high even at the wee hours of the morning.

i'm tired and fairly stressed out. lots of work to do, not enough time to do it in, and an expanding social life combined will all lead to random angst attacks eventually: i'm actually really surprised that i made it more than halfway through the semester without losing it completely :). there is hope yet.

remember that song "breathe (2am)" that came out i'm not even sure when? it's a gorgeous song, and the first verse so aptly sums up, well, EVERYTHING as far as i'm concerned. i'm only up late because i have a lot to think about and i need to actually talk things out to relax about them. but once you sit down with a friend or two, the worry seems to unravel and go away.

people can be seriously awful or just plain stupid sometimes, but mostly i think they are generally awesome if you let them be.

that wasn't grammatical at all was it?

yours,

Nuala

boundaries i don't recognize

so a little more about me & these boundaries.

i like to consider myself post-racial. see, both my parents are from the Caribbean. i'm mixed black & indian, and i don't really identify with either of the two races. or any race, for that matter. on surveys, applications, and official documents i'm black, simply because looking at me, that's the first thing most people would think. personally, though, i prefer to think that race is unnecessary. i don't consider myself one thing or the other (i'll talk a LOT about this in the future i promise) and don't ever want to.

i grew up in a Christian family and i'm a firm believer in God and his existence. i'm also a biomedical engineering major. try reconciling that for a start. most people think it can't be done, but i've found that it works quite well. more on this later too.

and why oh why do people equate Christianity with the "religious right" or "fundamentalists"?! i'm a registered Independent. i vote depending on issues, not along party lines. my faith is not the only thing that influenced my decision on Election Day. similarly, not all Christians are the ones you see in the news spouting hatespeech. don't judge us based on a few highly-publicized examples. yet more posts on religion will follow too.

the world's lines can't box me in. :)

unconstrainedly yours,

Nuala

New Blog! Yay!

To everyone who's just stumbled across this blog, welcome!

I guess it's time for a bit of an intro, since I don't know you and you don't know me.

I'm Nuala. I'm a rather opinionated little lady (or so I've been told), and I absolutely love to talk. The problem with that is that I'm busy, everyone else is busy, and there just isn't always time for me to say what's on my mind.

So to keep myself from exploding from everything I think and feel, this is where I muse. And vent. And sometimes freak out and rant. If you want a look into someone else's headspace, this is it.

I'm a first-time blogger, so any suggestions you feel like making are totally accepted. But a bit of a warning: I hate using capital letters and I'm not really likely to after this post :). Sorry.

Without further ado, enjoy!