on dreaming

remember way back when i dreamed of being a real musician? when i finished my last final and immediately sat down to look at conservatories for post-graduation? when i had Plans for my life?
...yeah. more and more, those plans are looking like a waste of my time. i'm not an actress; so goodbye broadway. i'm not really a soprano; so goodbye any sort of classical performance. and i have artistic integrity, so no recording contracts for me. going to a conservatory will really end up just being a waste of time and money.
the hardest part of having dreams is waking up and realizing that they were just that: dreams, and nothing more.

things i have learned in the past 24 hours

• pandora is not as good at choosing music as it claims to be
  
• life is a lot more awesome when you wear underwear that fits properly
• croutons are delicious especially when soggy with caesar dressing
• being philosophical about disappointment is a lot easier than you expect
  

feeling sentimental

i come home in the evenings to a house full of light.
of everything that's changed in the past few months, this is what i notice most. the laughter, the hugs, the "where were you? we missed you at dinner!" - that's what's making the difference. yes, my job kind of sucks; and yes, i kind of hate not being a full-time student right now; but i live with people who like me, and maybe even love me, and that makes everything worthwhile.

feeling domestic

i just got home from work, sat down at my computer, & started shopping for candles and rugs.
domesticity is my kryptonite.

mindless irrational paranoias yay!

i have two days off from work this week. i think it's time for me to go back to therapy.
and i am terrified.
i've done a huge amount of introspection in the past eight months, and discovered things about myself that i wish i didn't know. i am loving, caring, and friendly; vicious, manipulative, and arrogant; fragile, insecure, and lonely. i am everything anyone could possibly be, rolled into a five-foot bundle of contradictions that i would dearly love to have sorted out. but who will i be when that's all said and done?
i am scared to shit of what i'll become. i don't want to change, but i don't really want to be who i am now either.
yes, okay, maybe somebody should call the waahmbulance.