life sucks. then you die.

what the fuck. the world is just throwing more shit at me it feels like all the time. but really what i want to know is how i got into this school. like seriously am i just too dumb to realize that i should quit when i'm trying to do the impossible?

there is only one thing in my life that has not utterly gone to shit. and that is my relationship with my utterly awesome awesome boyfriend, who i expect is slowly but surely realizing that wow, he picked a hella crazy chick this time.

seriously though, i am nothing if not a fixer-upper. i don't handle stress well, and i am a better liar than i should be. as in, people think im normal. and smart. i am most likely neither of the two, and definitely not the first. i have bouts of normalcy, yes, but i have periods of i don't even know what to call it - absolute instability? yeah, sounds about right.

but fixer-uppers have potential, yes? what do you call someone who's just so messed up that even she has no idea where she could possibly go in life?  i'm no superwoman like i wish i could be. not even a miss independent. i can't even try to go to sleep tonight despite the fact that i have to be up in seven hours, because i can't handle being alone. my only current security is a block away and probably asleep by now. and who's going to understand what i want to say if i call them anyway?

i feel like i should just tell the world to stop wasting its time on me.

something's gotta give

i feel like i'm going to fail something this semester. i haven't been well enough to go to physics in a week & a half & we have a test monday. i have somehow also been ridiculously set back in calc. which is stupid, because i understand it all.

and i can't afford to fail anything, because if i do i might end up taking an extra semester to earn my degree. because everything i'm currently taking is either a prerequisite for my degree requirements, or i just won't have time in the next few years to re-take it if i fail *coughphysicscough*

and taking an extra semester would be TOTALLY POINTLESS and would be an admission of defeat. i have no idea how i got into this damn school but no way in hell i'd ever admit that it chewed me up and spit me out and i couldn't take it. i can't let it get the better of me: i'll deal with whatever it throws at me, that much i know. what i can't figure out is how i'll handle it and what'll happen to me.

seriously, all i want to do is curl up in bed and cry and not come out for a few days. i wish that would solve my problems.

x's and y's

so i was on facebook today and what popped up in my feed but a notification that my ex is no longer married. turns out he married a mutual guy friend. and to the best of my knowledge they're both straight. this is hella weird. and to my chagrin, also prompted a moment of facebook-stalkage which unfortunately embarassed me quite a bit. made me wonder why i'd dated him. BUT i got a philosophical point out of it.

there are x's and y's in everyone's life. x's are just exes. you dated them, you broke up, you're okay with it. y's come back to haunt you. people have met them and they can't understand why you dated them and then you think about it and realize that YOU don't even know why you dated them and then you say OH MY GOD WHY AM I SO STUPID and then you are IN THE THROES OF AN EMOTIONAL CRISIS and then there's nothing for it but to call an emergency confab with the girls and trade horror stories. and that's why you call them y's: because you don't know why you dated them.

nonetheless, you can be philosophical about a y. especially if they were a high school y, because you rationalize it as a) i was young and stupid or b) well, i got one mistake out of the way safely or c) i'm a better person for it. seriously, you can use "i'm a better person now because of it" to rationalize ANYTHING.

except if, like me, you aren't, and you're just really sadly convinced that your y is a loser and feel kind of bitchily entertained about it. which is just how i am.

i'm back!

viral infection? sure. cleared up by wednesday? not so much.

had a nasty bout of flu last week; today was literally only my second day really out of the building in a week (in my book, spending six hours at medical on wednesday doesn't count as out of bed. not with an IV in the back of your hand anyway.) and i am pooped.

not too tired to blog my latest epiphany, though! my boyfriend's been seriously amazing the past week: picking up meds for me, dropping by to check on me before & after classes, and really i seem to be more of a handful when i'm sick and can't get out of bed than when i'm bouncing around all lively and obnoxious. kid doesn't complain. ever. and i feel weird that he does so much for me (i don't know if i mean actually physically doing stuff, though he does) cuz it just boggles that i can't put my feelings about that into words. i dunno...this is rambling a lot i guess...but like i call him when i need something or if i get freaked about something cuz he's just always solidly there and normal. like when my nose bleeds (like now: yeah parenthetical statements!) i can call him cuz he knows some stuff just weirds me out and bugs me and he's okay with my weirdness and he is a reminder to Chill Out sometimes.

seriously though, my nose is bleeding. and my mac is white. it's time to go.

medical update

medical says there's an 85% chance that i have a viral infection. which should be gone in the next couple of days. which i have most likely already infected people with. which, however, is no longer contagious.

i am now continuing my quest for the perfect burrito.

the universe doesn't totally suck

never mind. the universe is not a totally sucktacular place.

people are awesome enough to randomly make you soup when you get sick and the geese are off killian court .

still got a headache and don't want to work, but medical hopefully will not take too long with me so i can come back and work/go to bed early.

things are sort of evening out.

i hate the universe

i am deathly sick. we are competing on saturday.

i have a calc test on thursday. and crap-tons of work to do.

and i am deathly sick. FML.

national anthems, specifically american

why do performers feel the need to embellish the national anthem? there is a right way to sing it. it's called following what was written and what has been the national anthem for eternity. i am not condemning changing the key: i personally don't think you should sing it where it was written if you can't do it well.

but adding riffs and just doing things to the song that should not be done? unacceptable. follow the damn sheet music. find it on the internet if you don't know how it should go. do you stick riffs into the middle of classic hymns? no. not at all. doing it to the star-spangled banner is unacceptable. YES DAMMIT R&B ARTISTS I AM TALKING TO YOU ALL. STOP COMMITTING MUSICAL CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.

vienna teng and love, in unequal amounts

sail your sea

meet your storm

all i want

is to be your harbor

~harbor- vienna teng

is this what it means to be in love?

to be always there for someone not because you want to feel needed, just to be there as though it can somehow confer stability when they need it?

to walk life's roads together because you can, because you want to?

wind tunnels what?

what the hell. why did i choose a college with not one, but TWO naturally occurring wind tunnels?

oh the joys of being tiny and light and getting blown away =P.

also, geese on killian court are an abomination. that is all.

lobby 7 > prozac =)

there is something about the combination of music and perfect architecture that is better than prozac. yesterday was an iffy sort of day (i'm really bad at spacing out my work, so i end up doing it all the night before it's due) and we had rehearsal and i really didn't want to go. to cut a long story short, though, we ended up singing in lobby 7. lobby 7 has the best acoustics ever. notes just hang in the air like clouds of golden and beautiful and honestly it made life so much better, if only briefly. music is unbelievable.

why people suck

wow. why is it that when you tell people that things are mandatory they still DON'T FUCKING SHOW UP and they DON'T FUCKING TELL YOU BEFOREHAND and they don't even have passable excuses/apologies?!

this has been a source of frustration for me since about mid-december. people are douchebags. and like i understand that y'all are busy, but if you have legitimate conficts you also know about them beforehand, yes? yes. so EMAIL YOUR DAMN COORDINATORS WHEN YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T MAKE IT!

sorry. i'm one of the co-chairs for an upcoming concert and we're doing intense prep for it and people keep not showing up. and it's the same people always who don't show and don't email either of us chairs and it's just ABSURDLY frustrating. it's probably time to send a bitchy email.

seriously, i was in an awesome mood earlier and then went to a MANDATORY writing session and people STILL didn't show and now i'm just kind of pissed off. but i'm going to play rock band. so it's probably all good in the end.

blink 182 is no big deal

ok people. blink 182 is back. so? BLINK 182 IS NOT THE MESSIAH,  just another band from circa middle school. get over yourselves people, and get real lives. especially y'all who are in college which is CLOSE TO THE REAL WORLD. and for goodness' sake, they weren't even that good. fun to listen to, yes. good musically? not so much. ten years and nobody will actually remember/care what they did. there's a reason you hear so much about dead composers. what they wrote was real music. now get your asinine status updates out of my feed. some of us are actual adults.

brass rat

the 2011's had their ring premiere this weekend. i want my brass rat. really badly. but i have to wait an ENTIRE YEAR for premiere, and then a million more for the actual delivery. one reason it sucks to be a frosh.

PHD comics

Piled Higher and Deeper

i love this strip. absurdly. it is making me afraid of grad school but it is awesome nonetheless. including shakespeare in the strip? a happy for me.

man i'm a dork.

kiki dunst

i was watching spiderman 2 this evening. that scene where mary jane goes running to peter in her wedding dress? and she's all smiley and pretty? i miss the old kirsten dunst. i feel like she's gotten really sad and shlumpy recently and i don't like it...

dear kiki dunst: please dress well and be happy again. we miss the old adorable you. muchly. love, the world.

life = good (or, more randoms)

i have the most adorable bio TA ever. she's tiny and puerto rican. and adorable. honestly, i'm going to all her office hours just to hang out.

realized that the credit limit is actually a good thing, because if it didn't exist i would almost certainly be taking seven classes this semester instead of five. like, four humanities classes instead of two. i am officially a lunatic.

first choir rehearsal of the semester is tonight!

i have a 926-page course reader for my music analysis class. 926 pages of classical scores. the world has exploded in showers of epic and awesome.

in short, life = hella f'n sweet.

first day randoms

i am such a dork. i'm sitting at my computer listening to beethoven's 9th & reading the score along with it.

math TAs have god-awful accents. as if that weren't enough, SO DOES MY PROFESSOR.

i hate being re-taught vectors a million times in one day.

colored chalk makes me absurdly happy.

people need to learn that my having class is a non-negotiable state of affairs. if you want to talk to me, it will not kill you to wait till four like my away message tells you to. stop it.

i'm beginning to think in terms of facebook statuses. evidently i am on the internet way too much. I WILL NOT TWEET. really and truly.

i get such joy out of score reading it is hilarious why am i such a dork?

i like diet coke. it sparkles.

i refuse to make sense anymore.

shoedazzle

thanks to Ms. Fab, i've discovered ShoeDazzle.com. have to say, i'm lovin' the idea. basically you sign up and take a style-determining quiz, and each month Kim Kardashian's stylists pick out five pairs that they think you would like, and you can get one of the five for $39 if you so choose. now that's a lot of shoes, and i don't currently have space for all that. but nonetheless, i rather think i might sign up in the future...i do so love shoes =)

super bowl XLIII

i normally watch the super bowl for two things: the halftime show and the commercials. but last night's game was EPIC. to the point where i was actually glued to the screen from halftime on. i think i might actually make a habit of watching football now. i know, what?