faith

just got home from church, and christmas eve service. this year's theme was "how would your life change if you were absolutely certain that God Himself was with you?"
and i thought to myself, how can people who believe in God ask themselves that question? belief in anything implies absolute certainty; otherwise it is not a belief but simply a theory, an idea of some sort. it's not thinking that He's there, or saying that you believe in Him because it's how you were brought up. belief is digging down into that core of solid certainty till you find the place that you would stake your life on, should it ever come to that. and it exists somewhere inside everyone - perhaps for something different depending on who you are - but it is there.
but if you can't find that place, if you can't step out with no certainties other than what you think you believe in, perhaps it's time to think about where your faith lies, and why.

feeling pissy tonight...

what does it say about me that right now, i can't find it in me to deal with other people and their problems?
most of my close friends are trying to handle a lot of stuff right now. finals are stressing everyone out, there's personal stuff thrown in, and basically everyone is going insane. and i know i need to try and find a way that i can give some time to the people who're important to me, especially since i've dealt with some of what they're going through right now: but i can't seem to find a way. i have nothing left in me that i can give to anyone, and it makes me so annoyed sometimes that people expect so much from me when they themselves know how difficult college can be. i feel like i'm being guilted into being someone for others to lean on because if i don't, i'm clearly just a shitty friend.
but i have been there for others for such a long time that i've managed to neglect myself. it's okay for them to disappear off the face of the earth so they can get time to themselves, but god forbid i need to study at MIT, right?