mindless irrational paranoias yay!

i have two days off from work this week. i think it's time for me to go back to therapy.
and i am terrified.
i've done a huge amount of introspection in the past eight months, and discovered things about myself that i wish i didn't know. i am loving, caring, and friendly; vicious, manipulative, and arrogant; fragile, insecure, and lonely. i am everything anyone could possibly be, rolled into a five-foot bundle of contradictions that i would dearly love to have sorted out. but who will i be when that's all said and done?
i am scared to shit of what i'll become. i don't want to change, but i don't really want to be who i am now either.
yes, okay, maybe somebody should call the waahmbulance.

next to normal (complete with spoilers!)

it's almost a month since i saw next to normal on broadway. on the surface, it's a very simple show to summarize: a family made dysfunctional due to mental illness. i suppose just from that description, it would be easy to write it off as something akin to schadenfreude, since after all, theatre is a form of entertainment and this show is centered on someone else's misfortune.
but at least to me, that's not at all what it is. perhaps this is only because it's been years since i was anything approximating normal, but i found it heartwrenchingly relatable.
the audience is taken all the way through diana's breakdown, from every character's perspective, with vivid and all too realistic descriptions of the accompanying mental states. and to sit there in the mezzanine and realize that i have been where she was...well, it was frankly terrifying. the entire show is just so. fucking. real. that by intermission i was back in that old state of wide-eyed terror over where my life could end up.
i cried the entire way through. even watching the family make its way out of that darkest place i cried. but somewhere along the way, a glimmer of hope turned up, and got brighter and brighter with every song (quite literally) til by the end things looked less bleak for both them and by extension, for me.
i don't know where i'm going with this review, so i'm going to stop here, but all in all this is a wonderful show. musically amazing, wonderfully acted, and utterly real. i'm going to see it again, and probably send my parents tickets as well.

spring cleaning!

Spring cleaning is a wonderful feeling.
Throwing out the bags and bags of crap that accumulate over the past months and seeing your floor again; being able to find everything right where you left it for once; the light and space in the room when it's clean; nothing really describes how healthy it is to be finished.
Thing is, how often do you remember to do the same in the rest of your life?
We've all got baggage, whether it's fragments of past relationships or people themselves. And sometimes the pieces only float around your personal bubble, but sometimes they trail behind you and weigh you down.
Only thing you can really do is cut them loose: all the so-called "friends," the pathological liars and unhealthy friendships; the insecurity stemming from your past; the fear radiating towards you from the future and its uncertainty.
You don't need any of that.
Every moment is a fresh start, waiting for you to make your magic. No one can stop you.

feeling pissy tonight...

what does it say about me that right now, i can't find it in me to deal with other people and their problems?
most of my close friends are trying to handle a lot of stuff right now. finals are stressing everyone out, there's personal stuff thrown in, and basically everyone is going insane. and i know i need to try and find a way that i can give some time to the people who're important to me, especially since i've dealt with some of what they're going through right now: but i can't seem to find a way. i have nothing left in me that i can give to anyone, and it makes me so annoyed sometimes that people expect so much from me when they themselves know how difficult college can be. i feel like i'm being guilted into being someone for others to lean on because if i don't, i'm clearly just a shitty friend.
but i have been there for others for such a long time that i've managed to neglect myself. it's okay for them to disappear off the face of the earth so they can get time to themselves, but god forbid i need to study at MIT, right?

self-respect

is it possible to be an attention-whore and still respect yourself?
i somehow think it isn't. if you need the attention to convince yourself that you're "worth something," than you obviously don't respect yourself and should probably go see a therapist about it. been there, done that.
if you just want the attention and don't care how you get it, then no, you don't respect your own image at all, and that is the same as self-respect. if you publicize yourself in such a manner that the entire student body sees you as a slut, you have no right to complain about it. suck it up and deal.

frat boys!

you know how awesome it feels when one of your friends tells you he might be in love with you?

yeah, neither did i until yesterday. seriously, i love frat boys. or at least this particular frat, because the guys are awesomely cool (yes, it helps that it's my boyfriend's frat, but that's not actually the main reason i love them), the food is good, and they have a hamster. a freaking HAMSTER. and she is adorbs. and tickles when she walks on your arm =).

so i eventually got out of bed at 4 yesterday afternoon. had dinner at the frat, studied for bio, tried to study for physics, and then proceeded to have really weird conversations. about roombas and sodium hydroxide and gun licenses. and mice. and stuff. and despite the fact that i probably didn't actually get much done, yesterday felt so good. such a nice little break from the insanity that is MIT, actual human interactions, basically a lot of good stuff.

i'm feeling better about life now. also, my bio test was the easy.

forgiveness

forgiveness for others comes from knowing yourself. if you are unsure of who you are you cannot hope to see who others are and forgive them for acting on it.

to everyone who's ever walked away from me when i needed them:

i don't know if you'll ever see this. frankly, i couldn't care less if you do or not. you left me when i needed you most, and i hated you for it, for not being there to pick me up. but in the end i picked myself up and brushed off the dirt and discovered that i didn't need any of you to hold my hand. so in a very roundabout way, thank you for not giving enough of a shit to see how depressed i'd gotten, because being abandoned made me stronger.

i'm independent. self-willed. maybe arrogant, but i'm very secure in who i am. i know i can take care of myself, and i know the value of not being alone. but most of all, i am happier than i've ever been before.

release therapy

i'm beginning to find the anonymity of the internet rather therapeutic. i'm not as outspoken and honest with people as i'd like to be IRL. but i'm working on it. last night's post helped. simply getting emotions and thoughts out of your head via some outlet is what people need. not necessarily saying things to someone's face, just releasing them to go their own ways.

i need to tell you

...that i'm not a fragile little girl to crawl into your arms at the first sign of trouble. i was broken, i've been mended bit by bit, but i am not fragile.

...that i am trying not to judge you, but it is difficult.

...that i am not deliberately being an antisocial wart.

...that my mind is not as far in the gutter as i pretend.

...that i have a vast inferiority complex and it is partially due to you.

...that i think i might love you, but i'm too afraid to say it in case something goes wrong.

...that you have been the cause of a good many of my issues in the past but i am myself nonetheless and i forgive you for it.

...that someday i will be able to open up to you face to face and really talk to you.