thoughts on the new year

After a less-than-promising start to 2011, I woke up this morning to see that a cousin had posted this as her facebook status:

"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert."

~Isaiah 43:18-19

It's never too late for anything; and there is always hope.

another year, another thanksgiving

and my first one on my own. well, perhaps not completely on my own; just my first one away from the family.
the friends and i had epic plans for this evening, but were stymied by our failure to plan properly; so the cooking has been put off until tomorrow, and instead i treated myself to dinner. a nice, solitary dinner at legal seafoods with a copy of les miserables.
and i thought good and long about where my life has landed me lately, and realized that despite how miserable i can get, i have a lot to be thankful for and very little actually worth complaining about.
i have a full-time job that doesn't suck, and will soon have insurance again through said job.
my family loves me enough to understand that sometimes it's better to stay away from home for a while, and is okay with that.
and there are people who love me enough that i can occasionally light up their lives. they may not be the ones i live with, but they exist.

"are you okay?"

things are happening this summer. some of my closest friends have graduated and, one by one, are leaving boston. weird personal things are happening. life is being complicated, because that's what it does. but every time there is some such upheaval, someone asks me if i'm okay. and every time, i answer "i'm fine."
i am tired of being asked if i am okay. i am not okay. i get very attached to people, places, ideas, things, and when i have to let something go i have a hard time with it. but by now i am used to it. i cry, i panic, i write, and gradually i heal. it may take a few weeks of sleepless nights, but it happens on its own.
i am not "fine," or "all right." sometimes i am not even "meh." but this is how life goes, and you cannot make things any different for me. one day the same thing will happen to you, and you will understand what i mean.
life happens to us all. don't worry about me.

misandry ≠ feminism.

"When a man dies, it is only a man. And one is much like another. Aye, a family needs a man, to feed them, protect them. But any decent man can do it. A woman is...infinite possibility."
~Diana Gabaldon
(posted as a cousin's facebook status)

maybe i'm in the habit of overreacting to life, but it drives me up the wall when people post things on facebook seemingly without actually thinking about the impression it gives.
i read this quote a few times in the hopes of deriving some meaning from it other than what immediately jumped out at me. it really just seems to exude misandry, implying that men are expendable and of limited use. but worse than that, Gabaldon seems to be saying that men are worth significantly less than women in the real world.
the feminist movement has already been generally viewed as angry and man-hating for generations. does it really do us any good to perpetuate this stereotype?
i can't really say anything more on this subject right now, because when i think too hard about it i just get angry, and probably irrationally so. perhaps in the morning i will be thinking a little more clearly.

in limbo

another birthday is approaching, and i am reminded of why i don't want to grow up. it involves being a real adult, with an actual paying job.
thing is, i'm meant to be on the stage, whether it's on broadway or singing classically. but being a successful musician isn't just about skill; it also depends a lot on who you know. and i'm reluctant to completely commit to a career in music, simply because it takes the right circumstances to begin making money. i don't particularly want to be yet another starving artist living in a box under harvard bridge.
right now i don't really know how to handle the disconnect between the various facets of what i want from life. i'm planning to apply to conservatories & get a degree in performance after i graduate, but plans never really work out the way you expect them to. i suppose i'll just be in an interesting sort of in-between for a while; or at least, until i decide to make up my mind one way or the other.

anything can happen in the woods...

this evening has been spent watching into the woods; which happens to be one of my favorite musicals ever. the last time i saw it was almost two years ago, and it was a great show then. but after two years of college, and life in general, it somehow has more of a meaning now.
i've been rather frazzled lately; but it's curing that feeling bit by bit. life happens, and you make decisions, and those decisions are hard and they have far reaching consequences. but whatever happens, you learn from it, and it changes you for the best.
everything that happens is ultimately for the best.

meditations on drag, part 1

during the downtime between episode's of this season of RuPaul's Drag Race, i work my way through last season. or i did, until i finished the season last week. and i've found over the past few weeks that what started as entertainment and a way to kill time has actually sparked some surprisingly thoughtful discussions of gender and sexuality.
i've seen a lot of comments (mostly on jezebel) from women that view drag as an offensive parody of femininity; and while i do understand how that take on it is possible, i think it displays a fundamental misunderstanding of drag.
drag is female impersonation. the goal of impersonation is to create a convincing illusion of femininity. to this end, drag queens study women and choose to emphasize the features that, in their minds, capture the essence of being a woman. the end result? a woman with strength, character, independence, and (for lack of a better word) heart.
too many girls grow up thinking that they need to meet the expectations of men if they want to be worth anything as a person; and so it's immensely refreshing to see men to whom the important points of womanhood are characteristics that make a woman worthy of being a role model.

spring cleaning!

Spring cleaning is a wonderful feeling.
Throwing out the bags and bags of crap that accumulate over the past months and seeing your floor again; being able to find everything right where you left it for once; the light and space in the room when it's clean; nothing really describes how healthy it is to be finished.
Thing is, how often do you remember to do the same in the rest of your life?
We've all got baggage, whether it's fragments of past relationships or people themselves. And sometimes the pieces only float around your personal bubble, but sometimes they trail behind you and weigh you down.
Only thing you can really do is cut them loose: all the so-called "friends," the pathological liars and unhealthy friendships; the insecurity stemming from your past; the fear radiating towards you from the future and its uncertainty.
You don't need any of that.
Every moment is a fresh start, waiting for you to make your magic. No one can stop you.

everyday miracles

watching the olympic opening ceremonies for some reason is making me pensive.
it's one thing to be told that every day is a miracle, but another thing entirely to really know it.
each day i walk down the street to head to class, and each day i can look up at the sky and say that it is beautiful. it has nothing to do with the sort of weather, or how cold it is, but is simply about being able to exist.
every instant of your life is precious. there is never any time to waste, nor will there ever be, because every moment is another memory, further proof that you are really living. it's no surprise that the sun rises; but that you are there to see it and feel it - that is the miracle.
every day is full of moments. whether you ache with heartbreak or joy, cherish them, because they are the only way to really be alive.

faith

just got home from church, and christmas eve service. this year's theme was "how would your life change if you were absolutely certain that God Himself was with you?"
and i thought to myself, how can people who believe in God ask themselves that question? belief in anything implies absolute certainty; otherwise it is not a belief but simply a theory, an idea of some sort. it's not thinking that He's there, or saying that you believe in Him because it's how you were brought up. belief is digging down into that core of solid certainty till you find the place that you would stake your life on, should it ever come to that. and it exists somewhere inside everyone - perhaps for something different depending on who you are - but it is there.
but if you can't find that place, if you can't step out with no certainties other than what you think you believe in, perhaps it's time to think about where your faith lies, and why.

i'm making it through

"I’ve heard recently some very sad stories of students just like me struggling just as hard as i am to cope with all the difficulties of college: the work, the teachers, the usual assholes of school, the usual drama. But these kids, for some reason felt like they couldn’t pull through till the end, and ended it. My heart goes out to all the friends and family of these students, and to all the students out there who are feeling down, and who might be thinking this isn’t meant for them. And what I say to that is: how did you make it this far if your not meant for it? They say nowadays that a college degree is the best thing you can have, not because of the money you’ll make after, but because of everything you’ll learn, the goals you’ll pursue, and eventually achieve. Achievement is a beautiful thing, don’t ever forget that. All of you who are feeling down look up and look around. There are people around you who love you, and who’ll notice you’ll be gone, and who will miss you terribly. But don’t only look around, look at a mirror, and you’ll see the beautiful self that you’ve become, that beautiful person who has gone through so much to get to where you are now. Getting to college is such an achievement: now finish it. Achieve your goal. Walk down that aisle to get your degree. Its what you want right? Wouldn’t that be such a wonderful and amazing feeling? So pull through. Thats all I have to say. It’s an amazing feeling. And no one ever said it’ll come easy. If you feel like the work is piling on and you can’t handle it take a sanity break. Step back from the work and just release yourself. Let YOU come out and smile and spread some love. Reach out to a friend. You’ll be amazed at what they can do and eventually you’ll look back and see how amazing that trip was to your destination. Hang in there everyone <3"
reblogged from apt.vagabond, one of my favorite people ever
for this to turn up in my google reader after one of the worst weeks ever is nothing short of beautiful. sometimes all you need is a reminder of why you are where you are; and this was what i needed today. thank you.

the best laid plans

i realized last week that i have no idea what to do with my life, and that i needed to drop a class to stay sane this term. so i dropped it, and changed my major. i don't know what's going to happen with my life, or what i'll tell my parents, or where anything is going, but last sunday when i realized that i don't know anything at all, it was the most wonderfully liberating epiphany i've ever had.
it would be a lie to say that i no longer worry about grad school or whether i'll get a job once i graduate, because those are still very real concerns. but for now, it's enough for me to do what i want to do with my life. yes, it's still sometimes a struggle to find a good reason to get out of bed, but there are so many more of them now. i am no longer living day to day looking for something to keep me going till the next; i just want to be happy, and it is beautiful.

light reading

people seem concerned about me yet again. yes, i am reading a history of suicide. no, i am not reading it for inspiration. everyone has issues in their lives, but mine are not such that i feel i need to take that route out. i am reading it because i feel like it, because it was on the shelf next to a book that a response to a post on gawker this morning mentioned. i borrowed both. the post was about subway jumpers. it's relevant. and i don't really see why i need to justify my choice of light reading to anyone. maybe i'm dabbling in amateur psychology. maybe i'm interested in how religion affected people's lives from the middle ages onwards. maybe, just maybe, i don't actually need to see a therapist.
sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar.

best friends?

instead of doing my incomprehensible physics homework i tend to wander the internets; or in this case my facebook feed. i keep coming across the same note/quiz/thing done by different people, & this time i stopped to read one done by a good friend of mine. and for some reason it got me thinking, do people back home still think of me as a friend? i'm an insanely busy person with a stressful life, but who really understands that? i don't deliberately ignore people, but if someone's life consumes them and they fall off the face of the earth can you still consider them a friend?

the ongoing saga of awkward and exes

well, he doesn't hate me. i'm not too surprised, though only because he's not a bitter person at all. i feel better now; these may be baby steps, but we seem to be back on our way to friendship again.
lately i've felt oddly full of goodwill towards humanity in general, and though it isn't the new year i think from now on i'll try not to be as bitter and angry towards people. deciding that feels nice.

regrets

what do you do when you know you've hurt someone and you desperately want to be friends again?
i dated my first boyfriend for three months, in between junior and senior year of high school. we were good friends all through middle school, and i think that summer might have been the best of my life (not entirely because of him, but still). he's the epitome of the skinny, nerdy white boy, and we were that couple who sat in central park using the uncertainty principle to describe our relationship. and it made sense to us, though maybe not to anyone else. every weekend or two was spent in a different museum, eating gyros and pretzels in central park, pretending to be the adults that we'd eventually have to become; and though we may just have been two silly kids, we were gloriously happy.
maybe i shouldn't have broken up with him when school started again. now i can't remember why i actually did; all i can remember is what i told him instead of the truth, and at that point i wasn't the accomplished liar i am now. he saw through it, we didn't speak for a while, he took me out to see macbeth that spring with some inscrutable reason which i still can't figure out, and then we drifted apart again.
i saw him in april briefly, but we don't talk anymore. maybe i shouldn't bother trying. but i hope somehow he finds this post, because maybe if he reads it and understands then we can go back to being friends.

on being a purist

i just watched the trailer for the picture of dorian gray, and i can't decide how i feel about it. i enjoyed the book, but i read it so long ago that it has barely any effect on my perceptions of the movie. besides, while ben barnes is not beautiful the way dorian is supposed to be, he certainly is pretty.
the new sherlock holmes, on the other hand, is an entirely different animal. i've been reading holmes since i was six, and after seeing the trailer i was disappointed to see that it's basically your standard action movie, with only a different historical setting to recommend it. i suppose it might be fine as a movie on its own, but as an adaptation of a novel that i am more than familiar with it offends me.
unfortunately i seem to feel this way about a lot of movies. the past few harry potter movies left me cold; neither the jim caviezel count of monte cristo nor the french version thereof were any good as adaptations of the book (as a matter of fact, the more recent movie was an absolute travesty); and even the lord of the rings trilogy was not quite up to my standards by its close. is it better to miss out completely on what could be a good movie or be repeatedly disappointed by failures?

sunday secrets

(reblogged from PostSecret)

it's why He put so much beauty in the world. He can't manipulate our actions and keep us from destroying what we have, but He can make it so spectacular that we don't want to destroy it at all.
here's hoping more people realize this.

MMT

Makes Me Think
a friend stumbled this site the other day and emailed it to me, saying that it reminded him of me. it really does make you think, and sometimes the world seems like a better place after reading it. it's a constant reminder that there's beauty everywhere, and if we don't see it perhaps we are in the wrong frame of mind.

fairytales

it's the way you love me
it's a feelin' like this
it's centrifugal motion
it's that perpetual bliss
This Kiss - Faith Hill

love doesn't actually work like this. a relationship can't be all smiles and bliss. someone who actually loves you will go through so much with you: illness; money trouble; fears; and yes, fights too.
love is heartbreaking and it will make you cry. it will hurt you deep inside so badly that it makes you sick sometimes. love is not easy, no walk in the park. it's allowing one person to bring you by turns utter bliss and deep-reaching pain, because you do the same to them whether you know it or not.
there is no way for any relationship to be simple. human beings are by their very nature complicated creatures. love is being willing to work with this complexity and all the curveballs it may throw in someone other than yourself.
that is how you know you've found love.