plots and plans

the trouble with being a woman at a top-tier engineering school is that you often lose sight of your own intentions. it feels as though we're not allowed to want to be domestic at all, simply because we want successful careers; but when you start suppressing bits of your consciousness you start going a little crazy at the same time.
i don't know where my career will be in ten years. i see myself in a house with a big, sunny kitchen, a sprawling back garden, and a piano in my living room. we're not supposed to want to be mothers, because it makes us bad feminists. but ever since acknowledging this to myself, i'm somewhat more at peace with the uncertainty of my future. i have none of it figured out, but i still feel better about all the confusion.

i'm making it through

"I’ve heard recently some very sad stories of students just like me struggling just as hard as i am to cope with all the difficulties of college: the work, the teachers, the usual assholes of school, the usual drama. But these kids, for some reason felt like they couldn’t pull through till the end, and ended it. My heart goes out to all the friends and family of these students, and to all the students out there who are feeling down, and who might be thinking this isn’t meant for them. And what I say to that is: how did you make it this far if your not meant for it? They say nowadays that a college degree is the best thing you can have, not because of the money you’ll make after, but because of everything you’ll learn, the goals you’ll pursue, and eventually achieve. Achievement is a beautiful thing, don’t ever forget that. All of you who are feeling down look up and look around. There are people around you who love you, and who’ll notice you’ll be gone, and who will miss you terribly. But don’t only look around, look at a mirror, and you’ll see the beautiful self that you’ve become, that beautiful person who has gone through so much to get to where you are now. Getting to college is such an achievement: now finish it. Achieve your goal. Walk down that aisle to get your degree. Its what you want right? Wouldn’t that be such a wonderful and amazing feeling? So pull through. Thats all I have to say. It’s an amazing feeling. And no one ever said it’ll come easy. If you feel like the work is piling on and you can’t handle it take a sanity break. Step back from the work and just release yourself. Let YOU come out and smile and spread some love. Reach out to a friend. You’ll be amazed at what they can do and eventually you’ll look back and see how amazing that trip was to your destination. Hang in there everyone <3"
reblogged from apt.vagabond, one of my favorite people ever
for this to turn up in my google reader after one of the worst weeks ever is nothing short of beautiful. sometimes all you need is a reminder of why you are where you are; and this was what i needed today. thank you.

the best laid plans

i realized last week that i have no idea what to do with my life, and that i needed to drop a class to stay sane this term. so i dropped it, and changed my major. i don't know what's going to happen with my life, or what i'll tell my parents, or where anything is going, but last sunday when i realized that i don't know anything at all, it was the most wonderfully liberating epiphany i've ever had.
it would be a lie to say that i no longer worry about grad school or whether i'll get a job once i graduate, because those are still very real concerns. but for now, it's enough for me to do what i want to do with my life. yes, it's still sometimes a struggle to find a good reason to get out of bed, but there are so many more of them now. i am no longer living day to day looking for something to keep me going till the next; i just want to be happy, and it is beautiful.