the tower

i need not to need
i've always been the tower
but now i feel like i'm a flower
trying to bloom in snow
~the tower, vienna teng

is there a way at all to keep yourself from needing to need? when you've been the one needed by others for years you need someone to lean on yourself and the longer you go without that the more you need it. and then you find it and suddenly you're stuck and you can't be without anymore. where is the happy medium?

there is always hope

by the elusive british artist Bansky

oddly enough, what caught my eye was not the little girl losing her balloon, but the message chalked on the stairs. i don't know how i feel about this concept of hope. maybe i should paint this on my wall next year. i think it would help some. paint shopping, here i come!

stupidity =/

do you catch your breath
when i look at you?

please say yes?

opinionated?

people are obnoxious. if you are going to give people your opinions, you must be willing to have them rejected. if you're not adult enough to handle hearing things you may not like from people that you're friendly with, then you're in no shape to function in the real world. this is a problem when you're almost 20. grow the fuck up.

a difficult proposition

one foot in front of the other is harder than it sounds. especially when by 1030 am monday morning your week is already awful and just going to get worse. and when you wake up from a full night's sleep after the weekend and realize you're already running on empty and can't see how you'll make it to the weekend.
this school breaks you, one way or another.

anna molly

i have somehow fallen in love with this song. i think a cappella has somehow expanded what i listen to, because i would never have considered listening to incubus in high school. don't know why.
but the MIT Logarhythms covered anna molly on their most recent cd (Give Us Back Our Spyplane) and it's better than the original. both are good, but it's better a cappella. and i am in love.
it's intense and painful. a song for listening to in the rain.

self-respect

is it possible to be an attention-whore and still respect yourself?
i somehow think it isn't. if you need the attention to convince yourself that you're "worth something," than you obviously don't respect yourself and should probably go see a therapist about it. been there, done that.
if you just want the attention and don't care how you get it, then no, you don't respect your own image at all, and that is the same as self-respect. if you publicize yourself in such a manner that the entire student body sees you as a slut, you have no right to complain about it. suck it up and deal.

explaining cruelty

i want to be wanted. and have the privilege of not fulfilling someone else's wish. that's all. it was done to me, and i want to do it to someone else. that's all.
apparently my last post was disturbing. i am no psycho bitch. believe me, if i were i wouldn't blog about it.

cruelty to animals?

i want someone to fall in love with me, to want me and fawn over me, to be absurdly jealous of all my other boys, to sit at my feet and dance on a string for me. and then i want to walk away and watch his pain before i go back to my boy.
it's my turn to hurt someone.

like a candle in a hurricane

the end of last semester wasn't anything like this is now. even after dropping a class i feel like i have so much falling on me, and there is so much riding on this term's grades that words can't even describe what's going on in my head. it's frightening, because i have so many people who care about me and yet i don't seem to be able to go to anyone no matter how much i know i need to. all i have to keep me going is this coming summer and the thought of the classes that i won't have and the money i'll be making and the stress that won't be hanging over me like a big black cloud biding its time before it opens up and rains on me
and yet i don't understand it, because i know i have more than that. i know i have people who love me and will take care of me if i ask, but somehow i can't bring myself to ask so much of them when they're already so busy with their own worries. it feels like i'm falling back into high school depression simply by not asking for help, but i would rather try and cope on my own because i know i've done it before. and re-reading this, i feel like i am being an idiot, but there is nothing i can do about that.

anonymity and respect

when you are a blogger, it is mostly a given that you post about almost everything that goes on in your life. nonetheless, if you are in a relationship it is unfair to assume that your significant other has given you permission to discuss your relationship on the internet. even if you name no names, there will be people who read your blog who also know who you're dating. the anonymity of the internet does not necessarily prevent damage to a relationship if what you're posting is too personal to discuss even with close friends. whether or not you care about exposing your own private thoughts online, it is a measure of respect for your SO to keep theirs completely private. if you don't have that respect for them, you should not be dating them.

boondock saints

"how far are we gonna take this?
the question is not how far.
the question is
do you possess the constitution,
the depth of faith
to go as far as is needed?"

i have a reasonable amount of faith. not as much as i could have, but certainly not so little that hearing these words does not affect me.

and so i pray that one day i might find the fire that consumes all obstacles and drives those who are fortunate enough to possess it in all that they do.

kissing your cares goodbye

the world could not possibly be more awesome today.
i've dropped physics because my comprehension of the class never really recovered from those two weeks of deadness.
this droppage won't negatively impact the rest of my undergrad. and it'll make my grades awesome for the rest of the semester. yay having a decent GPA!
declared my major today (or rather, my undeclared-ness because it's not possible to declare bioengineering until sophomore year). yay, i'm a real person now!
oh wait, the world could be more awesome. it could be properly warm out. and sunny. but it's not raining!

craving drama?

do we all feel the need for drama and angst in our lives? i've had two (or three, i can't count) unpleasant angst-fest nights in the past six. and it's the stupidest thing, because except for that two-week span of death by flu, my personal life has been pretty enjoyable since december. and yet somehow i've become even more neurotic than i was before and my subconscious seems to be maufacturing stress about absolutely everything. especially my relationship with my boyfriend. it's like my brain is telling me that things are going too well with him and so there obviously has to be something, somewhere, for me to worry about. is this (albeit mild) paranoia normal at all?