things are looking up

i'm no longer unemployed! i had an interview at barnes & noble on wednesday (was it? maybe it was tuesday...) and i start work on monday!
and so i had to go back to ny today to get my social security card from the safe deposit box. been home for 7.5 hours so far, and not one argument with my parents. i guess it's kind of shitty that it weirds me out to not be fighting with them, but this is a really surreal feeling.
like, they just paid for my fall classes, and i owe them (even more) money now, and there *still* hasn't been any arguing.
now i guess the next thing to do is figure out this whole insurance thing, and get myself a new therapist. again.
still, i am breathing easier now.

the long-awaited explanation of where i've been

here it is: the reason i haven't had time to write, in a nutshell.
i had a complicated year. i decided a few too many times that i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life, and so the classes i hated most this year also turned out to be completely useless with respect to my degree.
issues that i thought i'd left in high school came back to bite me in the ass, ruining my self-perception and my social life. i became kind of unbearable to be around and my friend circle shrank to less than half the size it used to be. i'm still not entirely certain why so many people put up with me through that, but thanks.
in january i broke up with the boyfriend of a year, because our personal philosophies were too different. i then spent the next six months second-guessing myself and making everyone around me miserable as well. somehow i still have friends (no, i don't really understand why. perhaps schadenfreude?)
oh, and i got swine flu. twice.
disheartening? yeah, but somehow it's been good for me. now i'm taking a year off to re-center myself, and i'm looking forward to it.
but that's another (later) post, because this one is getting long.

in limbo

another birthday is approaching, and i am reminded of why i don't want to grow up. it involves being a real adult, with an actual paying job.
thing is, i'm meant to be on the stage, whether it's on broadway or singing classically. but being a successful musician isn't just about skill; it also depends a lot on who you know. and i'm reluctant to completely commit to a career in music, simply because it takes the right circumstances to begin making money. i don't particularly want to be yet another starving artist living in a box under harvard bridge.
right now i don't really know how to handle the disconnect between the various facets of what i want from life. i'm planning to apply to conservatories & get a degree in performance after i graduate, but plans never really work out the way you expect them to. i suppose i'll just be in an interesting sort of in-between for a while; or at least, until i decide to make up my mind one way or the other.

feeling pissy tonight...

what does it say about me that right now, i can't find it in me to deal with other people and their problems?
most of my close friends are trying to handle a lot of stuff right now. finals are stressing everyone out, there's personal stuff thrown in, and basically everyone is going insane. and i know i need to try and find a way that i can give some time to the people who're important to me, especially since i've dealt with some of what they're going through right now: but i can't seem to find a way. i have nothing left in me that i can give to anyone, and it makes me so annoyed sometimes that people expect so much from me when they themselves know how difficult college can be. i feel like i'm being guilted into being someone for others to lean on because if i don't, i'm clearly just a shitty friend.
but i have been there for others for such a long time that i've managed to neglect myself. it's okay for them to disappear off the face of the earth so they can get time to themselves, but god forbid i need to study at MIT, right?

plots and plans

the trouble with being a woman at a top-tier engineering school is that you often lose sight of your own intentions. it feels as though we're not allowed to want to be domestic at all, simply because we want successful careers; but when you start suppressing bits of your consciousness you start going a little crazy at the same time.
i don't know where my career will be in ten years. i see myself in a house with a big, sunny kitchen, a sprawling back garden, and a piano in my living room. we're not supposed to want to be mothers, because it makes us bad feminists. but ever since acknowledging this to myself, i'm somewhat more at peace with the uncertainty of my future. i have none of it figured out, but i still feel better about all the confusion.

i'm making it through

"I’ve heard recently some very sad stories of students just like me struggling just as hard as i am to cope with all the difficulties of college: the work, the teachers, the usual assholes of school, the usual drama. But these kids, for some reason felt like they couldn’t pull through till the end, and ended it. My heart goes out to all the friends and family of these students, and to all the students out there who are feeling down, and who might be thinking this isn’t meant for them. And what I say to that is: how did you make it this far if your not meant for it? They say nowadays that a college degree is the best thing you can have, not because of the money you’ll make after, but because of everything you’ll learn, the goals you’ll pursue, and eventually achieve. Achievement is a beautiful thing, don’t ever forget that. All of you who are feeling down look up and look around. There are people around you who love you, and who’ll notice you’ll be gone, and who will miss you terribly. But don’t only look around, look at a mirror, and you’ll see the beautiful self that you’ve become, that beautiful person who has gone through so much to get to where you are now. Getting to college is such an achievement: now finish it. Achieve your goal. Walk down that aisle to get your degree. Its what you want right? Wouldn’t that be such a wonderful and amazing feeling? So pull through. Thats all I have to say. It’s an amazing feeling. And no one ever said it’ll come easy. If you feel like the work is piling on and you can’t handle it take a sanity break. Step back from the work and just release yourself. Let YOU come out and smile and spread some love. Reach out to a friend. You’ll be amazed at what they can do and eventually you’ll look back and see how amazing that trip was to your destination. Hang in there everyone <3"
reblogged from apt.vagabond, one of my favorite people ever
for this to turn up in my google reader after one of the worst weeks ever is nothing short of beautiful. sometimes all you need is a reminder of why you are where you are; and this was what i needed today. thank you.

holding out

it's so much easier to give in to depression in college than either high school or the real world. nobody checks on you to make sure you go to classes and you don't need to call in sick when you don't want to get out of bed. and it's not infrequent for people to spend days holed up in their bedrooms if they're working or, as is more likely, working their way through all the past seasons of heroes before the next one premieres. all you need is a laptop and a hot pot and/or microwave, and it isn't imperative that you surface for three days. people don't really worry about you if you disappear for a while, they'll just assume that you're busy.
i really hope i don't start doing that.

carcinogens

i have this bad habit of working with toxic chemicals.
any kind of glue you can use on a model airplane is bad for you, and of course i never remembered to open the windows when i was building mine.
rubber cement is a lot of fun to play with, never mind that you shouldn't inhale it at all.
two summers ago i volunteered in the pathology department of a local hospital and spent three days a week in the close company of an insane amount of formaldehyde.
now i'm spending my summer in a lab where i deal with toluene and acetone on a regular basis. and it turns out acetone soaks through nitrile gloves. and both make me nauseous.
i worry about myself sometimes, just a little bit.

what's in a name?

i was never the sort of person who liked my name. too many people could neither spell it nor pronounce it, so i did what any rational person would do: changed it. this has been going on since i was about five, with each nickname falling into disuse after i got tired of it or fell out of the circle where it was used.
a girl i knew in middle school just wrote on my wall and used my old nickname. and it took me a second to figure out who the hell she was talking about until i remembered.
i don't even remember who i was in middle school, but somehow that name takes me back.

are guilt trips the best way to travel?

i don't know if i feel any better for having said what i did tonight. my friends back in new york miss me, but are never around when i visit. and the sad thing is, they're the only people i come back to see. they're the only people from high school that i'm at all inclined to make time for, because they're the only ones who ever really loved me.
the memories aren't all bad, but enough of them are. enough that i feel ridiculously alienated when i visit. so many people are so fake to me. they hug me, they tell me they miss me, they say we should hang out; and yet when i look at them all i see looking back at me is the girl who cried herself to sleep every night for months, the daughter my parents almost lost, the girl who was ever so lonely for ever so long. and i can't quite ever forgive them.
there are a select five people whom i am so blessed to have known, not least because each of them did their part to keep me on this earth a while longer without ever knowing it. i miss my besties so much, and i'm so sorry you feel that i've abandoned you. i don't know when i'll be able to say all this to you in person, but if you find me here know that this is for you.

straight a's

i could totally get straight A's here if i could get bored enough. unfortunately, the state of my room often means that i'll default to cleaning it instead of working if i really have nothing else to do. this is probably why i stopped working in here...

fall term

yay!
made up my schedule for next fall: taking 5 pset classes and possibly choir, and somehow the year doesn't look like it'll suck!
this is exciting!
also one of my pset classes is harmony and counterpoint =) and i should really take choir to get out of sight-singing lab. depends on next term's repertoire...

a difficult proposition

one foot in front of the other is harder than it sounds. especially when by 1030 am monday morning your week is already awful and just going to get worse. and when you wake up from a full night's sleep after the weekend and realize you're already running on empty and can't see how you'll make it to the weekend.
this school breaks you, one way or another.

like a candle in a hurricane

the end of last semester wasn't anything like this is now. even after dropping a class i feel like i have so much falling on me, and there is so much riding on this term's grades that words can't even describe what's going on in my head. it's frightening, because i have so many people who care about me and yet i don't seem to be able to go to anyone no matter how much i know i need to. all i have to keep me going is this coming summer and the thought of the classes that i won't have and the money i'll be making and the stress that won't be hanging over me like a big black cloud biding its time before it opens up and rains on me
and yet i don't understand it, because i know i have more than that. i know i have people who love me and will take care of me if i ask, but somehow i can't bring myself to ask so much of them when they're already so busy with their own worries. it feels like i'm falling back into high school depression simply by not asking for help, but i would rather try and cope on my own because i know i've done it before. and re-reading this, i feel like i am being an idiot, but there is nothing i can do about that.

kissing your cares goodbye

the world could not possibly be more awesome today.
i've dropped physics because my comprehension of the class never really recovered from those two weeks of deadness.
this droppage won't negatively impact the rest of my undergrad. and it'll make my grades awesome for the rest of the semester. yay having a decent GPA!
declared my major today (or rather, my undeclared-ness because it's not possible to declare bioengineering until sophomore year). yay, i'm a real person now!
oh wait, the world could be more awesome. it could be properly warm out. and sunny. but it's not raining!

stuck on a rollercoaster

why is it that life ping-pongs between being really awesome and sucking really absurdly hard?
it would be more okay if it happened day-by-day, but hourly? i don't understand at all why it has to happen like this; whether the universe is messing with me or if it's me having mood swings or what is going on. all this stress i suppose is just getting to me and there doesn't seem to be any way i can get it to go away! even spring break doesn't look like much of a reprieve...

something's gotta give

i feel like i'm going to fail something this semester. i haven't been well enough to go to physics in a week & a half & we have a test monday. i have somehow also been ridiculously set back in calc. which is stupid, because i understand it all.

and i can't afford to fail anything, because if i do i might end up taking an extra semester to earn my degree. because everything i'm currently taking is either a prerequisite for my degree requirements, or i just won't have time in the next few years to re-take it if i fail *coughphysicscough*

and taking an extra semester would be TOTALLY POINTLESS and would be an admission of defeat. i have no idea how i got into this damn school but no way in hell i'd ever admit that it chewed me up and spit me out and i couldn't take it. i can't let it get the better of me: i'll deal with whatever it throws at me, that much i know. what i can't figure out is how i'll handle it and what'll happen to me.

seriously, all i want to do is curl up in bed and cry and not come out for a few days. i wish that would solve my problems.

wind tunnels what?

what the hell. why did i choose a college with not one, but TWO naturally occurring wind tunnels?

oh the joys of being tiny and light and getting blown away =P.

also, geese on killian court are an abomination. that is all.

brass rat

the 2011's had their ring premiere this weekend. i want my brass rat. really badly. but i have to wait an ENTIRE YEAR for premiere, and then a million more for the actual delivery. one reason it sucks to be a frosh.

PHD comics

Piled Higher and Deeper

i love this strip. absurdly. it is making me afraid of grad school but it is awesome nonetheless. including shakespeare in the strip? a happy for me.

man i'm a dork.