next to normal (complete with spoilers!)

it's almost a month since i saw next to normal on broadway. on the surface, it's a very simple show to summarize: a family made dysfunctional due to mental illness. i suppose just from that description, it would be easy to write it off as something akin to schadenfreude, since after all, theatre is a form of entertainment and this show is centered on someone else's misfortune.
but at least to me, that's not at all what it is. perhaps this is only because it's been years since i was anything approximating normal, but i found it heartwrenchingly relatable.
the audience is taken all the way through diana's breakdown, from every character's perspective, with vivid and all too realistic descriptions of the accompanying mental states. and to sit there in the mezzanine and realize that i have been where she was...well, it was frankly terrifying. the entire show is just so. fucking. real. that by intermission i was back in that old state of wide-eyed terror over where my life could end up.
i cried the entire way through. even watching the family make its way out of that darkest place i cried. but somewhere along the way, a glimmer of hope turned up, and got brighter and brighter with every song (quite literally) til by the end things looked less bleak for both them and by extension, for me.
i don't know where i'm going with this review, so i'm going to stop here, but all in all this is a wonderful show. musically amazing, wonderfully acted, and utterly real. i'm going to see it again, and probably send my parents tickets as well.

the long-awaited explanation of where i've been

here it is: the reason i haven't had time to write, in a nutshell.
i had a complicated year. i decided a few too many times that i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life, and so the classes i hated most this year also turned out to be completely useless with respect to my degree.
issues that i thought i'd left in high school came back to bite me in the ass, ruining my self-perception and my social life. i became kind of unbearable to be around and my friend circle shrank to less than half the size it used to be. i'm still not entirely certain why so many people put up with me through that, but thanks.
in january i broke up with the boyfriend of a year, because our personal philosophies were too different. i then spent the next six months second-guessing myself and making everyone around me miserable as well. somehow i still have friends (no, i don't really understand why. perhaps schadenfreude?)
oh, and i got swine flu. twice.
disheartening? yeah, but somehow it's been good for me. now i'm taking a year off to re-center myself, and i'm looking forward to it.
but that's another (later) post, because this one is getting long.

eh. life goes on.

the idea that life can go on in my absence takes a lot of getting used to.
last summer was like this too. i disappear for a weekend and parties happen. people acquire stories, photos are put on facebook, and i get to feel irrationally jealous about it. i guess it's because i miss my friends terribly when they're gone, but nobody seems to notice when i'm not around. they tell me they miss me, they say they're there if i need to talk before i come back; and then when i need them most they're nowhere to be found.
and this weekend, it was okay, because i know enough people in weird time zones that i found someone awake and willing to lie to me for half an hour so i could stop panicking. but that was just sheer dumb luck; and i wonder what will happen the next time if there's absolutely no one around.
one day i'll have someone who'll sit by the phone waiting for me to call. or at least that's what i keep telling myself.

feeling pissy tonight...

what does it say about me that right now, i can't find it in me to deal with other people and their problems?
most of my close friends are trying to handle a lot of stuff right now. finals are stressing everyone out, there's personal stuff thrown in, and basically everyone is going insane. and i know i need to try and find a way that i can give some time to the people who're important to me, especially since i've dealt with some of what they're going through right now: but i can't seem to find a way. i have nothing left in me that i can give to anyone, and it makes me so annoyed sometimes that people expect so much from me when they themselves know how difficult college can be. i feel like i'm being guilted into being someone for others to lean on because if i don't, i'm clearly just a shitty friend.
but i have been there for others for such a long time that i've managed to neglect myself. it's okay for them to disappear off the face of the earth so they can get time to themselves, but god forbid i need to study at MIT, right?

i'm making it through

"I’ve heard recently some very sad stories of students just like me struggling just as hard as i am to cope with all the difficulties of college: the work, the teachers, the usual assholes of school, the usual drama. But these kids, for some reason felt like they couldn’t pull through till the end, and ended it. My heart goes out to all the friends and family of these students, and to all the students out there who are feeling down, and who might be thinking this isn’t meant for them. And what I say to that is: how did you make it this far if your not meant for it? They say nowadays that a college degree is the best thing you can have, not because of the money you’ll make after, but because of everything you’ll learn, the goals you’ll pursue, and eventually achieve. Achievement is a beautiful thing, don’t ever forget that. All of you who are feeling down look up and look around. There are people around you who love you, and who’ll notice you’ll be gone, and who will miss you terribly. But don’t only look around, look at a mirror, and you’ll see the beautiful self that you’ve become, that beautiful person who has gone through so much to get to where you are now. Getting to college is such an achievement: now finish it. Achieve your goal. Walk down that aisle to get your degree. Its what you want right? Wouldn’t that be such a wonderful and amazing feeling? So pull through. Thats all I have to say. It’s an amazing feeling. And no one ever said it’ll come easy. If you feel like the work is piling on and you can’t handle it take a sanity break. Step back from the work and just release yourself. Let YOU come out and smile and spread some love. Reach out to a friend. You’ll be amazed at what they can do and eventually you’ll look back and see how amazing that trip was to your destination. Hang in there everyone <3"
reblogged from apt.vagabond, one of my favorite people ever
for this to turn up in my google reader after one of the worst weeks ever is nothing short of beautiful. sometimes all you need is a reminder of why you are where you are; and this was what i needed today. thank you.

forgiveness

forgiveness for others comes from knowing yourself. if you are unsure of who you are you cannot hope to see who others are and forgive them for acting on it.

to everyone who's ever walked away from me when i needed them:

i don't know if you'll ever see this. frankly, i couldn't care less if you do or not. you left me when i needed you most, and i hated you for it, for not being there to pick me up. but in the end i picked myself up and brushed off the dirt and discovered that i didn't need any of you to hold my hand. so in a very roundabout way, thank you for not giving enough of a shit to see how depressed i'd gotten, because being abandoned made me stronger.

i'm independent. self-willed. maybe arrogant, but i'm very secure in who i am. i know i can take care of myself, and i know the value of not being alone. but most of all, i am happier than i've ever been before.

augh!

i am terrified of my finals.

and white pants and burritos are the dumbest combination ever which makes me feel extra-stupid.

and finals start tomorrow.

OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT.

belief

I Believe In You-Steven Curtis Chapman

this song makes me feel much better today. still a lot of work to do, still a lot of other stuff that needs to get done (rehearsals anyone?), still so much on my mind that i've been worrying about a lot. the other night i was ready to drop out and work in a jazz club till i could go on broadway. seriously, when i get stressed out the first thing to pop into my head is "how the hell did i get in here?" and then the next thing is "OMG i so can't do this at all" and then i freak out and go to bed early and don't get things done at all. but this song is a reminder that God wouldn't have gotten me here if i couldn't handle it. and when i remember that He knows i can do it, it's so unbelievably reassuring.

so wherever you are in your life and no matter how stressed you get, remember that you can take it all and rise above your worries. darkness doesn't last forever.

complaining yay >_<

oh man this week is going to suck. no actually, it already sucks. nothing is going to make it better. here's why.

A CAPPELLA CONCERT FRIDAY NIGHT

so this week is hell week. three-hour rehearsals every night, 9 to midnight. it's cold up here, so the heat is on everywhere, so i'm going from heat inside to cold outside like every hour. i got sick a week or so ago and i'm still not back to normal so i'm much more likely to get sick again. oh yeah, and i already have getting-homework-done fails.

spending every evening with lovely lovely people is only sort of compensation for the massive amounts of suck that hell week involves.

BOYS ARE RETARDED

i have three boys to deal with. no, i'm not a ho, there's just way too much going on in my life right now.

there's the boy. who i still adore, and am still holding out hope for, mostly because i am a dumbass and he is perfect.

there's facebook guy, who is weirdly amusing and also WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME OUT WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER!? i don't see any potential there, but we're going out for ice cream & then to a formal saturday (and i'm missing Rite of Spring at BSO for the formal :P) and i am keeping a semi-open mind about him.

and there's the ex-boyfriend! who i've never mentioned! oh lord. irritatingly clingy and awkward and obviously not over the breakup. like really, i want to be obnoxious and all GET OVER YOURSELF AND GO AWAY because he drives me nuts! tries to talk to me sunday nights when he knows i have work to do, facebook messages me about how he wants to talk to me, and UGH GO AWAY I HAVE A LIFE AND AWESOMER PEOPLE TO INTERACT WITH.

i am not actually a bitch (or at least i try not to be), but i put my brain back in sometime mid-fall and realized i could do so much better than him and that i shouldn't lower my standards ever. i know i'm going further in life than he'll ever be able to, intellectually we are nowhere near on the same level, and really the only thing we ever had in common was being hugely dorky over classical music.

man. i really do sound like a horrible person here. this is why i hate talking about him.

CLASSES

classes suck. homework sucks. i have a theatre project due next tuesday that i'll probably end up having to do over the weekend. i have retarded amounts of impossible physics homework. and i have finals in a few weeks! i am absolutely TERRIFIED of my finals. specifically, failing them. i don't think i will, but i have no idea and that's what scares me.

oh yeah, and it's monsooning outside and my pants are currently really wet up to like four inches above y ankles. uncomfortable much? i think so.

i'll try not to bitch so much next post =/ but i still love you all dearest readers.

a minor crisis and some embarassment

an actual conversation i had tonight (the pink text is mine):

wait is this guy white?

yes

ah

why?

that explains everything 

lol

so does that make it better or worse?

idk

all i know is you give white guys an automatic +1000000 or something

lol

me personally?

yeah

man

that makes me feel kinda dumb

i meamn

i give white girls a + but its not nearly as blatant

haha

meh

i dont know if that makes it worse

i think thats just a meh

possibly

it may explain why you said yes

instead of just lulzing him

well, damn. i feel shallow now. should i? i mean, i like white guys. i don't consciously give them points for being white, i just find them more consistently attractive.

and is it awful that i said yes to the formal even though i really have no interest whatsoever in this guy? i'm not trying to lead him on at all, but now i feel like i may be (probably am?).

mostly i just feel shallow though.

dearest readers, i am in the throes of a crisis, however minor it may be. your thoughts would be much appreciated, if only to let me know whether or not i am a lunatic for worrying.