"are you okay?"

things are happening this summer. some of my closest friends have graduated and, one by one, are leaving boston. weird personal things are happening. life is being complicated, because that's what it does. but every time there is some such upheaval, someone asks me if i'm okay. and every time, i answer "i'm fine."
i am tired of being asked if i am okay. i am not okay. i get very attached to people, places, ideas, things, and when i have to let something go i have a hard time with it. but by now i am used to it. i cry, i panic, i write, and gradually i heal. it may take a few weeks of sleepless nights, but it happens on its own.
i am not "fine," or "all right." sometimes i am not even "meh." but this is how life goes, and you cannot make things any different for me. one day the same thing will happen to you, and you will understand what i mean.
life happens to us all. don't worry about me.

non-separate entities

i am one half of an increasingly insane relationship. again. but here's the thing: she's one of my sisters, not a significant other.
we're sharing a room this summer and planning to move into an apartment together early next year (more on that another time). and because right now i'm not working and she has an irregular schedule, we've been spending a lot of time together both in and out of the house. things have gotten to the point where when one of us says "we," everyone knows who we're referring to; and people sometimes address us both even if they're only talking to one of us.
and let me tell you, internet, it is FREAKY AS SHIT. i wonder sometimes what sort of effect my relationship with her will have on the rest of my social life, because we go out together so often that i think the staff of the area restaurants think we're dating. i know, hilarious.
but sometimes it really does worry me, because sometimes we kind of function as a unit. am i losing bits of my identity like this?

funny people: or meditations on mortality

you know when you decide not to see a movie because you assume it's going to be awful, and then it turns out to be better than you expect it to be? i had one of those this week, involving funny people.
if you haven't seen it yet, stop reading and go watch it. then come back to this post.
despite the title, funny people is not a comedy. even though it involves adam sandler. it's all very realistic; from the flawed, flawed characters; to the ending, which feels remarkably uncontrived; and almost everything in between. and funnily enough, it's a bit of a thinking movie. you spend most of the movie evaluating your relationships with people, and there are even valuable life lessons sprinkled throughout!
i know, it surprised me too.
all in all, i really enjoyed funny people, despite not being a fan of most of the featured comedians. this would have been worth the money.

say what?

i've gotten in the habit of watching So You Think You Can Dance. between that, and talking to Black Polos and Sweaters about my future in performance, it looks like i'm going to be auditioning for american idol. such are the bright ideas one gets in the middle of the night.
i still have no idea what i'll do if i make it onto the show. but for now i have less than a month to choose an audition song...

the new star wars

is it normal to spend the afternoon of july 4th watching star wars? because that's what i'm doing.
and good lord, but the acting in the new ones is TERRIBLE. i will never understand why mediocre actors are cast in leading roles when the film clearly has the budget to hire people who can actually act. the only bright spot is the terrible punning from R2 & C3PO.
and when someone with a visceral hatred of puns says that, you know it's got to be bad.

misandry ≠ feminism.

"When a man dies, it is only a man. And one is much like another. Aye, a family needs a man, to feed them, protect them. But any decent man can do it. A woman is...infinite possibility."
~Diana Gabaldon
(posted as a cousin's facebook status)

maybe i'm in the habit of overreacting to life, but it drives me up the wall when people post things on facebook seemingly without actually thinking about the impression it gives.
i read this quote a few times in the hopes of deriving some meaning from it other than what immediately jumped out at me. it really just seems to exude misandry, implying that men are expendable and of limited use. but worse than that, Gabaldon seems to be saying that men are worth significantly less than women in the real world.
the feminist movement has already been generally viewed as angry and man-hating for generations. does it really do us any good to perpetuate this stereotype?
i can't really say anything more on this subject right now, because when i think too hard about it i just get angry, and probably irrationally so. perhaps in the morning i will be thinking a little more clearly.

in limbo

another birthday is approaching, and i am reminded of why i don't want to grow up. it involves being a real adult, with an actual paying job.
thing is, i'm meant to be on the stage, whether it's on broadway or singing classically. but being a successful musician isn't just about skill; it also depends a lot on who you know. and i'm reluctant to completely commit to a career in music, simply because it takes the right circumstances to begin making money. i don't particularly want to be yet another starving artist living in a box under harvard bridge.
right now i don't really know how to handle the disconnect between the various facets of what i want from life. i'm planning to apply to conservatories & get a degree in performance after i graduate, but plans never really work out the way you expect them to. i suppose i'll just be in an interesting sort of in-between for a while; or at least, until i decide to make up my mind one way or the other.