feeling domestic

i just got home from work, sat down at my computer, & started shopping for candles and rugs.
domesticity is my kryptonite.

mindless irrational paranoias yay!

i have two days off from work this week. i think it's time for me to go back to therapy.
and i am terrified.
i've done a huge amount of introspection in the past eight months, and discovered things about myself that i wish i didn't know. i am loving, caring, and friendly; vicious, manipulative, and arrogant; fragile, insecure, and lonely. i am everything anyone could possibly be, rolled into a five-foot bundle of contradictions that i would dearly love to have sorted out. but who will i be when that's all said and done?
i am scared to shit of what i'll become. i don't want to change, but i don't really want to be who i am now either.
yes, okay, maybe somebody should call the waahmbulance.

next to normal (complete with spoilers!)

it's almost a month since i saw next to normal on broadway. on the surface, it's a very simple show to summarize: a family made dysfunctional due to mental illness. i suppose just from that description, it would be easy to write it off as something akin to schadenfreude, since after all, theatre is a form of entertainment and this show is centered on someone else's misfortune.
but at least to me, that's not at all what it is. perhaps this is only because it's been years since i was anything approximating normal, but i found it heartwrenchingly relatable.
the audience is taken all the way through diana's breakdown, from every character's perspective, with vivid and all too realistic descriptions of the accompanying mental states. and to sit there in the mezzanine and realize that i have been where she was...well, it was frankly terrifying. the entire show is just so. fucking. real. that by intermission i was back in that old state of wide-eyed terror over where my life could end up.
i cried the entire way through. even watching the family make its way out of that darkest place i cried. but somewhere along the way, a glimmer of hope turned up, and got brighter and brighter with every song (quite literally) til by the end things looked less bleak for both them and by extension, for me.
i don't know where i'm going with this review, so i'm going to stop here, but all in all this is a wonderful show. musically amazing, wonderfully acted, and utterly real. i'm going to see it again, and probably send my parents tickets as well.

the long-awaited explanation of where i've been

here it is: the reason i haven't had time to write, in a nutshell.
i had a complicated year. i decided a few too many times that i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life, and so the classes i hated most this year also turned out to be completely useless with respect to my degree.
issues that i thought i'd left in high school came back to bite me in the ass, ruining my self-perception and my social life. i became kind of unbearable to be around and my friend circle shrank to less than half the size it used to be. i'm still not entirely certain why so many people put up with me through that, but thanks.
in january i broke up with the boyfriend of a year, because our personal philosophies were too different. i then spent the next six months second-guessing myself and making everyone around me miserable as well. somehow i still have friends (no, i don't really understand why. perhaps schadenfreude?)
oh, and i got swine flu. twice.
disheartening? yeah, but somehow it's been good for me. now i'm taking a year off to re-center myself, and i'm looking forward to it.
but that's another (later) post, because this one is getting long.

on being an adult

i'm at home in NY for a few days, with a couple of friends and without the parents.
i am by far the youngest of the three of us, and i feel like i'm currently the only adult around. between trying to feed two picky eaters, and trying to get things done when nobody seems to be listening to me, i think i know what my mother dealt with for a long time with me and my sister.
i don't think i really want to have children anymore...

say what?

i've gotten in the habit of watching So You Think You Can Dance. between that, and talking to Black Polos and Sweaters about my future in performance, it looks like i'm going to be auditioning for american idol. such are the bright ideas one gets in the middle of the night.
i still have no idea what i'll do if i make it onto the show. but for now i have less than a month to choose an audition song...

in limbo

another birthday is approaching, and i am reminded of why i don't want to grow up. it involves being a real adult, with an actual paying job.
thing is, i'm meant to be on the stage, whether it's on broadway or singing classically. but being a successful musician isn't just about skill; it also depends a lot on who you know. and i'm reluctant to completely commit to a career in music, simply because it takes the right circumstances to begin making money. i don't particularly want to be yet another starving artist living in a box under harvard bridge.
right now i don't really know how to handle the disconnect between the various facets of what i want from life. i'm planning to apply to conservatories & get a degree in performance after i graduate, but plans never really work out the way you expect them to. i suppose i'll just be in an interesting sort of in-between for a while; or at least, until i decide to make up my mind one way or the other.

the politics of hair

despite the fact that i've been dealing with the trials of having mixed-race hair all my life, i never really realized that handling black hair has its own politics. i've been relaxing my hair since i was nine, simply because it was always too difficult to get a comb through the curls, and it's always been just a matter of convenience for me. but today i came across this article on jezebel, and reading the comments was a rather interesting experience. it's frustrating that so many women base their personal appearance on what the world thinks and expects of them, rather than their own preferences, because really no matter what you do you cannot please everybody.
i am not my hair. it does not reflect my intelligence, education, or organizational skills. and most importantly, what i do with my hair is not a statement of where i belong. if there's anything i hate, it's being pigeonholed based on race, sex, my choice of major, anything; but especially something like my hair. i change my hair when i get bored with it, and so do many other women, so why are you going to judge me based on what it's doing today? could you possibly be any more stupid?

are guilt trips the best way to travel?

i don't know if i feel any better for having said what i did tonight. my friends back in new york miss me, but are never around when i visit. and the sad thing is, they're the only people i come back to see. they're the only people from high school that i'm at all inclined to make time for, because they're the only ones who ever really loved me.
the memories aren't all bad, but enough of them are. enough that i feel ridiculously alienated when i visit. so many people are so fake to me. they hug me, they tell me they miss me, they say we should hang out; and yet when i look at them all i see looking back at me is the girl who cried herself to sleep every night for months, the daughter my parents almost lost, the girl who was ever so lonely for ever so long. and i can't quite ever forgive them.
there are a select five people whom i am so blessed to have known, not least because each of them did their part to keep me on this earth a while longer without ever knowing it. i miss my besties so much, and i'm so sorry you feel that i've abandoned you. i don't know when i'll be able to say all this to you in person, but if you find me here know that this is for you.

i'm back!

viral infection? sure. cleared up by wednesday? not so much.

had a nasty bout of flu last week; today was literally only my second day really out of the building in a week (in my book, spending six hours at medical on wednesday doesn't count as out of bed. not with an IV in the back of your hand anyway.) and i am pooped.

not too tired to blog my latest epiphany, though! my boyfriend's been seriously amazing the past week: picking up meds for me, dropping by to check on me before & after classes, and really i seem to be more of a handful when i'm sick and can't get out of bed than when i'm bouncing around all lively and obnoxious. kid doesn't complain. ever. and i feel weird that he does so much for me (i don't know if i mean actually physically doing stuff, though he does) cuz it just boggles that i can't put my feelings about that into words. i dunno...this is rambling a lot i guess...but like i call him when i need something or if i get freaked about something cuz he's just always solidly there and normal. like when my nose bleeds (like now: yeah parenthetical statements!) i can call him cuz he knows some stuff just weirds me out and bugs me and he's okay with my weirdness and he is a reminder to Chill Out sometimes.

seriously though, my nose is bleeding. and my mac is white. it's time to go.

first day randoms

i am such a dork. i'm sitting at my computer listening to beethoven's 9th & reading the score along with it.

math TAs have god-awful accents. as if that weren't enough, SO DOES MY PROFESSOR.

i hate being re-taught vectors a million times in one day.

colored chalk makes me absurdly happy.

people need to learn that my having class is a non-negotiable state of affairs. if you want to talk to me, it will not kill you to wait till four like my away message tells you to. stop it.

i'm beginning to think in terms of facebook statuses. evidently i am on the internet way too much. I WILL NOT TWEET. really and truly.

i get such joy out of score reading it is hilarious why am i such a dork?

i like diet coke. it sparkles.

i refuse to make sense anymore.

blackness

Incognegro

this post popped up in my google reader this evening. and i have to say, i understand all too well.

one of my cousins called me a white girl last year, for a variety of reasons culminating in the fact that i told her i was taking a white boy to prom. she then proceeded to tell me she'd find me a prom date. a black prom date. and at first i was irritated and hurt, but then i thought more about her and her life and i realized that if she approved of what i did with my life i would have to seriously rethink every decision i made.

we're not close anymore. she's too black for me, i'm not black enough for her. and it's a shame, but i'm most definitely better off. i don't care what people think of me, especially not black people. i date white boys. i'm naturally monogamous. and i'm ambitious as can be. those three traits seem to count against me. but whatever.

"all my skin folk ain't my kin folk" - Zora Neale Hurston

internet tantrums: or, why people are depressing sometimes.

so i am apparently officially snotty and condescending. according to myself anyway.

two friends of mine recently posted facebook notes that are basically really long f***-you messages to the world. and i read them and the first thing i thought was "really? being really obnoxiously publicly pissy on facebook? grow up!" and then i said to myself "well i throw tantrums on the internet via my blog...what makes that better?" but i concluded that if you're going to be a cranky ass online and take up space in my news feed, at least have the decency to check your grammar and spell properly. there's no way i can take you seriously otherwise.

hurrah for my absurdly high expectations for humanity. going to MIT really spoils you. in rehearsal the other day someone mentioned that we should ask someone else to scan a document to a pdf file & email it to us, which seemed like a good idea. until someone else mentioned that "people in the real world don't actually know how to do that." and she was entirely right. i feel like an idiot sometimes for not being able to program; until i remember that most people in the real world can't even use fetch. which is insanely simple. and then i get depressed because eventually i do have to function in the real world and i really just want to stay in academia with people who don't make me feel like a genius because i'm really not and it makes me sad that compared to a good chunk of humanity i could be. what a frightening thought.

wow. not even 9 am and i've already hit my arrogant brat quota for like the month. good job me. =P.

embarrassing taste in music

post-crazy britney spears is kind of awesome. actually, screw that. britney in general is a lot of fun to listen to. and dance around in your underwear to (i don't actually do that i promise). not all of her songs, granted, but enough for her to qualify as aural crack =). like toxic. and circus. and did i mention toxic?

some of y'all just lost respect for me, didn't you?

we all have our quirks haha.

jonas brothers

just for the record, i am in no way, shape, or form a jonas brothers fan. i have better things to do with my life than listen to sugarcoated boy bands who are younger than i am. but a link to jonassecrets.tumblr.com popped up on another one that i follow and i took a look. i don't know what to think...personally, girls like these make me rather embarrassed to be female- especially the older girls who you think would know better. but at the same time, i remember being in middle school when everyone had celebrity crushes, and i figure, well, these girls will grow up and learn eventually. i just really hope they do.

return of the king

i just finished watching the return of the king for what seems like the millionth time, and i have to say it just gets better and better. there's something about courage-in-the-face-of-insurmountable-odds (how cliche) that makes me want to be a better person. and the accompanying motivational speeches make me cry. come to think of it, this entire movie makes me cry (but definitely in a good way).

part of it is caused by sam. character-wise, he is my absolute favorite person. he's not at all one-dimensional, he isn't just there for amusement (see gimli the Comic Relief Dwarf), and overall he restores my faith in humanity. yes, i rely on non-humans to make me feel better about people consisting of epic and fail. this may or may not be very sad.

some of it is eowyn and her badassery. i love this girl. and at the risk of sounding completely inane, i will tell you that if she actually existed i would have the most ridiculous girly-crush on her. but she doesn't, so * sigh * i can't.

and the rest of it is, well, i have no idea really. i'm just a crier. or something.

might be because i'm a huge dork for LoTR. i've read it thirty-odd times (over a four-year period before high school); own the trilogy, the hobbit, & the silmarillion and have read them all numerous times; and used to be able to quote entire paragraphs. yeah. or maybe i'm just a dork.

but either way, tolkien was a genius.

2008

so what would you think of me now

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

on the way down this afternoon i was listening to 'hear you me' by jimmy eat world and i pondered this line for a while. and i thought about life, and where i've been, and where i am now, and i realized something: i've come a hell of a long way in the recent past.

i struggled with depression and self-esteem issues through most of high school. and i did stupid things, had my heart broken too many times, and became a rather angry person because of it. i'd walk around with my massive ego and an "oh you don't like me? well fuck you too" mentality and seem all right on the outside, but inside i was a wreck. my best friends have been my shrinks more often than i care to think about.

and now i'm somewhere completely different in my life. i'm doing well in all my classes. i have a job. i know some of the most wonderful people in existence, and most importantly, i am not running my life into the ground. quite the opposite actually: i've come out on top this year, and by a huge margin. i didn't think i could handle my own life quite so well, and now i'm finding that everything is going right.

there've been times i wanted to quit, times i was close to cracking. won't deny that. but you know what? you hold on and you say "no you can't beat me down" and you believe that someday soon things will change and then they do.

weirdness today.

so maybe a few years or so ago (probably more recently than that), i was sure that i was bipolar to some degree, mostly because i had the weirdest mood swings EVER. i don't still think that, but seriously there are days when i'm convinced that i'm not normal at all. one minute i'll be so happy, then i'll crash and be exhausted, then i'll be okay for a while, then i'll just get pissy and blah. today has been an insanely strange day and maybe it's just being tired and worried about finals that's getting to me. i should sleep. i have to be up early to put up a poster (and i've been postering half the dorm today in the hopes that people will come to our concert this friday but it's fun so it's ok). and then i have class and singing and WAH NEED CAFFEINE.

on a brighter note, i might end up doing costume design for the shakespeare ensemble next semester. and our choreo for this coming concert is just awesomeness :).

boundaries i don't recognize

so a little more about me & these boundaries.

i like to consider myself post-racial. see, both my parents are from the Caribbean. i'm mixed black & indian, and i don't really identify with either of the two races. or any race, for that matter. on surveys, applications, and official documents i'm black, simply because looking at me, that's the first thing most people would think. personally, though, i prefer to think that race is unnecessary. i don't consider myself one thing or the other (i'll talk a LOT about this in the future i promise) and don't ever want to.

i grew up in a Christian family and i'm a firm believer in God and his existence. i'm also a biomedical engineering major. try reconciling that for a start. most people think it can't be done, but i've found that it works quite well. more on this later too.

and why oh why do people equate Christianity with the "religious right" or "fundamentalists"?! i'm a registered Independent. i vote depending on issues, not along party lines. my faith is not the only thing that influenced my decision on Election Day. similarly, not all Christians are the ones you see in the news spouting hatespeech. don't judge us based on a few highly-publicized examples. yet more posts on religion will follow too.

the world's lines can't box me in. :)

unconstrainedly yours,

Nuala