2008

so what would you think of me now

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

on the way down this afternoon i was listening to 'hear you me' by jimmy eat world and i pondered this line for a while. and i thought about life, and where i've been, and where i am now, and i realized something: i've come a hell of a long way in the recent past.

i struggled with depression and self-esteem issues through most of high school. and i did stupid things, had my heart broken too many times, and became a rather angry person because of it. i'd walk around with my massive ego and an "oh you don't like me? well fuck you too" mentality and seem all right on the outside, but inside i was a wreck. my best friends have been my shrinks more often than i care to think about.

and now i'm somewhere completely different in my life. i'm doing well in all my classes. i have a job. i know some of the most wonderful people in existence, and most importantly, i am not running my life into the ground. quite the opposite actually: i've come out on top this year, and by a huge margin. i didn't think i could handle my own life quite so well, and now i'm finding that everything is going right.

there've been times i wanted to quit, times i was close to cracking. won't deny that. but you know what? you hold on and you say "no you can't beat me down" and you believe that someday soon things will change and then they do.