regrets

what do you do when you know you've hurt someone and you desperately want to be friends again?
i dated my first boyfriend for three months, in between junior and senior year of high school. we were good friends all through middle school, and i think that summer might have been the best of my life (not entirely because of him, but still). he's the epitome of the skinny, nerdy white boy, and we were that couple who sat in central park using the uncertainty principle to describe our relationship. and it made sense to us, though maybe not to anyone else. every weekend or two was spent in a different museum, eating gyros and pretzels in central park, pretending to be the adults that we'd eventually have to become; and though we may just have been two silly kids, we were gloriously happy.
maybe i shouldn't have broken up with him when school started again. now i can't remember why i actually did; all i can remember is what i told him instead of the truth, and at that point i wasn't the accomplished liar i am now. he saw through it, we didn't speak for a while, he took me out to see macbeth that spring with some inscrutable reason which i still can't figure out, and then we drifted apart again.
i saw him in april briefly, but we don't talk anymore. maybe i shouldn't bother trying. but i hope somehow he finds this post, because maybe if he reads it and understands then we can go back to being friends.

my ex. again.

i think everyone has an ex that they wish would leave them alone. mine decided to IM me again today. i broke up with him last september after dating for three months, and for some reason he still tries to talk to me.
i defriended him a few months after the breakup, because the temptation to facebook-stalk him was almost as annoying as he was. even after months of my ignoring his messages, he'd still IM me and ask me if we could talk, or if i had a problem with him, or various little things like that, so i did the most logical thing possible: sent him an email. a cold, PR-toned email signed with my professional signature. you'd think that would be some sort of signal, but it appears not. he's IMed me twice more since then, and while i know he just wants to be friends i would prefer not to be. we weren't friends before we dated: why should we be now, when i know that we have little in common intellectually or in any other regard? if it wasn't worth it to me to maintain a long-distance relationship, when i presumably felt something for him, why should it be worth my while now to begin a friendship that can't possibly function?
i understand that it's difficult to have someone drop out of your life entirely, particularly if you dated at some point, but by the same token it's difficult to have someone show up in your life periodically when you don't want to deal with them. and i do realize that this post sounds bitchy, but anything that causes me any stress or irritation gets removed from my life. it's the healthiest way for me to be.

frat boys!

you know how awesome it feels when one of your friends tells you he might be in love with you?

yeah, neither did i until yesterday. seriously, i love frat boys. or at least this particular frat, because the guys are awesomely cool (yes, it helps that it's my boyfriend's frat, but that's not actually the main reason i love them), the food is good, and they have a hamster. a freaking HAMSTER. and she is adorbs. and tickles when she walks on your arm =).

so i eventually got out of bed at 4 yesterday afternoon. had dinner at the frat, studied for bio, tried to study for physics, and then proceeded to have really weird conversations. about roombas and sodium hydroxide and gun licenses. and mice. and stuff. and despite the fact that i probably didn't actually get much done, yesterday felt so good. such a nice little break from the insanity that is MIT, actual human interactions, basically a lot of good stuff.

i'm feeling better about life now. also, my bio test was the easy.

x's and y's

so i was on facebook today and what popped up in my feed but a notification that my ex is no longer married. turns out he married a mutual guy friend. and to the best of my knowledge they're both straight. this is hella weird. and to my chagrin, also prompted a moment of facebook-stalkage which unfortunately embarassed me quite a bit. made me wonder why i'd dated him. BUT i got a philosophical point out of it.

there are x's and y's in everyone's life. x's are just exes. you dated them, you broke up, you're okay with it. y's come back to haunt you. people have met them and they can't understand why you dated them and then you think about it and realize that YOU don't even know why you dated them and then you say OH MY GOD WHY AM I SO STUPID and then you are IN THE THROES OF AN EMOTIONAL CRISIS and then there's nothing for it but to call an emergency confab with the girls and trade horror stories. and that's why you call them y's: because you don't know why you dated them.

nonetheless, you can be philosophical about a y. especially if they were a high school y, because you rationalize it as a) i was young and stupid or b) well, i got one mistake out of the way safely or c) i'm a better person for it. seriously, you can use "i'm a better person now because of it" to rationalize ANYTHING.

except if, like me, you aren't, and you're just really sadly convinced that your y is a loser and feel kind of bitchily entertained about it. which is just how i am.

i'm back!

viral infection? sure. cleared up by wednesday? not so much.

had a nasty bout of flu last week; today was literally only my second day really out of the building in a week (in my book, spending six hours at medical on wednesday doesn't count as out of bed. not with an IV in the back of your hand anyway.) and i am pooped.

not too tired to blog my latest epiphany, though! my boyfriend's been seriously amazing the past week: picking up meds for me, dropping by to check on me before & after classes, and really i seem to be more of a handful when i'm sick and can't get out of bed than when i'm bouncing around all lively and obnoxious. kid doesn't complain. ever. and i feel weird that he does so much for me (i don't know if i mean actually physically doing stuff, though he does) cuz it just boggles that i can't put my feelings about that into words. i dunno...this is rambling a lot i guess...but like i call him when i need something or if i get freaked about something cuz he's just always solidly there and normal. like when my nose bleeds (like now: yeah parenthetical statements!) i can call him cuz he knows some stuff just weirds me out and bugs me and he's okay with my weirdness and he is a reminder to Chill Out sometimes.

seriously though, my nose is bleeding. and my mac is white. it's time to go.

one month in

it frightens me a little, this thing called love. i don't know what it means, nor what the difference is between loving and being in love. and until i do, i can't say "i love you" and be certain i mean it. it's just this weird thing i have; i tend to throw out the words "i love you" to people even when i know i don't mean it; and then when i might really mean it, it scares me to death and i can't say it at all.

my first two relationships, i said "i love you" really early on. both failed around the three-month mark. today is our one-month anniversary (do anniversaries even really matter in the grand scheme of things?) and i don't ever want us to fall apart. i've grown and i've learned from my idiocies and mistakes, but i don't know if it's enough. there's so much that really scares me: that i don't know where we'll end up, that i'm so attached, that there's simply so much that's out of my control and i don't know what to do with it...

i suppose i should just let life take its course. it's worked pretty well for me so far...

dignity

jonassecrets.tumblr.com

please ladies...don't ever be like the girl who wrote this. there is no excuse for ever dating a man who treats you like this one did her. here's a hint why: you're not worth enough to him for him to treat you well. and trust me on this one, no guy is worth being hurt. ever. it's better to be embarrassingly single.

jonas brothers

just for the record, i am in no way, shape, or form a jonas brothers fan. i have better things to do with my life than listen to sugarcoated boy bands who are younger than i am. but a link to jonassecrets.tumblr.com popped up on another one that i follow and i took a look. i don't know what to think...personally, girls like these make me rather embarrassed to be female- especially the older girls who you think would know better. but at the same time, i remember being in middle school when everyone had celebrity crushes, and i figure, well, these girls will grow up and learn eventually. i just really hope they do.

finals-induced angst

the world is a difficult place to be right now. studying for finals and a new relationship don't go too well together; i get really worried about grades whenever i'm on a study break or thinking about tests, but all i really want to do is spend time with him before winter vacation. makes me feel a lot better about life when we're together.

*sigh* i guess all i can do in that respect is just wait for january and its associated lack of worrying to get here.

at least we have hall breakfast during finals week. share the misery, right?

=/

man the world makes no sense right now.

i am totally going to get my shit rocked by my physics final in the morning.

but i have a new boyfriend and nothing on earth could make me worry now.

and i may have forgotten whatever physics i ever knew but all i have to do is pass the class.

and that's what i keep telling myself.

smiles

i love the world. it is a beautiful place to be tonight.

my secret santa got me gorgeous jewelry.

all three of the previously mentioned guys are out of my life as far as drama goes.

and, well, my face hurts from all the smiling i've been doing tonight.

it's a good sort of pain.

snap decisions

so i'm bailing on the formal with facebook guy. it's for a legitimate reason though, we have an a cappella commitment at the same time that night and it's rather important. to be completely honest though, i was seriously considering faking out of it halfway through, either with a phone call or a sprained foot from my insanely high heels. what? i've gotten hurt because of shoes before.

i've been thinking about it a lot, and while we did meet in august, we also don't see each other ever and we've talked way more on facebook than ever IRL. i'm not all that comfortable with spending an entire evening with him, especially now that i've found out he's getting over another girl and i don't really know what he's expecting from me. yeah, it would've been fun, but i also got a better offer (yeah december and holiday parties!) conclusion? i should stop making snap decisions at 2 am. i'm not so good at them xD.

we're still getting ice cream saturday though. unless he bails. which i would be totally ok with.

OH MAN IT IS THURSDAY MORNING I HAVE SO MUCH WORK DUE TOMORROW i should get off the internets.

complaining yay >_<

oh man this week is going to suck. no actually, it already sucks. nothing is going to make it better. here's why.

A CAPPELLA CONCERT FRIDAY NIGHT

so this week is hell week. three-hour rehearsals every night, 9 to midnight. it's cold up here, so the heat is on everywhere, so i'm going from heat inside to cold outside like every hour. i got sick a week or so ago and i'm still not back to normal so i'm much more likely to get sick again. oh yeah, and i already have getting-homework-done fails.

spending every evening with lovely lovely people is only sort of compensation for the massive amounts of suck that hell week involves.

BOYS ARE RETARDED

i have three boys to deal with. no, i'm not a ho, there's just way too much going on in my life right now.

there's the boy. who i still adore, and am still holding out hope for, mostly because i am a dumbass and he is perfect.

there's facebook guy, who is weirdly amusing and also WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME OUT WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER!? i don't see any potential there, but we're going out for ice cream & then to a formal saturday (and i'm missing Rite of Spring at BSO for the formal :P) and i am keeping a semi-open mind about him.

and there's the ex-boyfriend! who i've never mentioned! oh lord. irritatingly clingy and awkward and obviously not over the breakup. like really, i want to be obnoxious and all GET OVER YOURSELF AND GO AWAY because he drives me nuts! tries to talk to me sunday nights when he knows i have work to do, facebook messages me about how he wants to talk to me, and UGH GO AWAY I HAVE A LIFE AND AWESOMER PEOPLE TO INTERACT WITH.

i am not actually a bitch (or at least i try not to be), but i put my brain back in sometime mid-fall and realized i could do so much better than him and that i shouldn't lower my standards ever. i know i'm going further in life than he'll ever be able to, intellectually we are nowhere near on the same level, and really the only thing we ever had in common was being hugely dorky over classical music.

man. i really do sound like a horrible person here. this is why i hate talking about him.

CLASSES

classes suck. homework sucks. i have a theatre project due next tuesday that i'll probably end up having to do over the weekend. i have retarded amounts of impossible physics homework. and i have finals in a few weeks! i am absolutely TERRIFIED of my finals. specifically, failing them. i don't think i will, but i have no idea and that's what scares me.

oh yeah, and it's monsooning outside and my pants are currently really wet up to like four inches above y ankles. uncomfortable much? i think so.

i'll try not to bitch so much next post =/ but i still love you all dearest readers.

a minor crisis and some embarassment

an actual conversation i had tonight (the pink text is mine):

wait is this guy white?

yes

ah

why?

that explains everything 

lol

so does that make it better or worse?

idk

all i know is you give white guys an automatic +1000000 or something

lol

me personally?

yeah

man

that makes me feel kinda dumb

i meamn

i give white girls a + but its not nearly as blatant

haha

meh

i dont know if that makes it worse

i think thats just a meh

possibly

it may explain why you said yes

instead of just lulzing him

well, damn. i feel shallow now. should i? i mean, i like white guys. i don't consciously give them points for being white, i just find them more consistently attractive.

and is it awful that i said yes to the formal even though i really have no interest whatsoever in this guy? i'm not trying to lead him on at all, but now i feel like i may be (probably am?).

mostly i just feel shallow though.

dearest readers, i am in the throes of a crisis, however minor it may be. your thoughts would be much appreciated, if only to let me know whether or not i am a lunatic for worrying.

tear ducts

i am getting way too emotional over everything lately. and very confused.

it's so comfortable for the most part to remain "in like" with this guy. part of me says 'dammit woman, get a grip and move on, ' but part of me says 'no it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.' and so i don't want to get over him. he's not a distraction (not an unwelcome one anyway) and i can compartmentalize my life enough that he doesn't generally get in the way of working, rehearsing, or just plain unwinding unless i let my mind dwell on him.

but occasionally he does. when i do see him, even when we're not talking i can feel his eyes on me in a sort of pensive way; i catch him looking and he looks away; look, that rhymed! and i wonder what he's thinking behind that lovely face and what he sees of me through those eyes and i think about how confused he makes me and sometimes it makes me want to cry. everything seems to set me off on crying jags lately >_< -

i was watching rent the other night- and i cried. i was wandering through my itunes yesterday- and i nearly cried. i've nearly cried during rehearsal i don't even know how many times this month (all these emotionally intense songs...) and this totally doesn't seem like a lot when i write it down but it feels like so much more! damn you overactive tear ducts!