one month in

it frightens me a little, this thing called love. i don't know what it means, nor what the difference is between loving and being in love. and until i do, i can't say "i love you" and be certain i mean it. it's just this weird thing i have; i tend to throw out the words "i love you" to people even when i know i don't mean it; and then when i might really mean it, it scares me to death and i can't say it at all.

my first two relationships, i said "i love you" really early on. both failed around the three-month mark. today is our one-month anniversary (do anniversaries even really matter in the grand scheme of things?) and i don't ever want us to fall apart. i've grown and i've learned from my idiocies and mistakes, but i don't know if it's enough. there's so much that really scares me: that i don't know where we'll end up, that i'm so attached, that there's simply so much that's out of my control and i don't know what to do with it...

i suppose i should just let life take its course. it's worked pretty well for me so far...