feeling domestic

i just got home from work, sat down at my computer, & started shopping for candles and rugs.
domesticity is my kryptonite.

misandry ≠ feminism.

"When a man dies, it is only a man. And one is much like another. Aye, a family needs a man, to feed them, protect them. But any decent man can do it. A woman is...infinite possibility."
~Diana Gabaldon
(posted as a cousin's facebook status)

maybe i'm in the habit of overreacting to life, but it drives me up the wall when people post things on facebook seemingly without actually thinking about the impression it gives.
i read this quote a few times in the hopes of deriving some meaning from it other than what immediately jumped out at me. it really just seems to exude misandry, implying that men are expendable and of limited use. but worse than that, Gabaldon seems to be saying that men are worth significantly less than women in the real world.
the feminist movement has already been generally viewed as angry and man-hating for generations. does it really do us any good to perpetuate this stereotype?
i can't really say anything more on this subject right now, because when i think too hard about it i just get angry, and probably irrationally so. perhaps in the morning i will be thinking a little more clearly.

feeling pissy tonight...

what does it say about me that right now, i can't find it in me to deal with other people and their problems?
most of my close friends are trying to handle a lot of stuff right now. finals are stressing everyone out, there's personal stuff thrown in, and basically everyone is going insane. and i know i need to try and find a way that i can give some time to the people who're important to me, especially since i've dealt with some of what they're going through right now: but i can't seem to find a way. i have nothing left in me that i can give to anyone, and it makes me so annoyed sometimes that people expect so much from me when they themselves know how difficult college can be. i feel like i'm being guilted into being someone for others to lean on because if i don't, i'm clearly just a shitty friend.
but i have been there for others for such a long time that i've managed to neglect myself. it's okay for them to disappear off the face of the earth so they can get time to themselves, but god forbid i need to study at MIT, right?

light reading

people seem concerned about me yet again. yes, i am reading a history of suicide. no, i am not reading it for inspiration. everyone has issues in their lives, but mine are not such that i feel i need to take that route out. i am reading it because i feel like it, because it was on the shelf next to a book that a response to a post on gawker this morning mentioned. i borrowed both. the post was about subway jumpers. it's relevant. and i don't really see why i need to justify my choice of light reading to anyone. maybe i'm dabbling in amateur psychology. maybe i'm interested in how religion affected people's lives from the middle ages onwards. maybe, just maybe, i don't actually need to see a therapist.
sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar.

the politics of hair

despite the fact that i've been dealing with the trials of having mixed-race hair all my life, i never really realized that handling black hair has its own politics. i've been relaxing my hair since i was nine, simply because it was always too difficult to get a comb through the curls, and it's always been just a matter of convenience for me. but today i came across this article on jezebel, and reading the comments was a rather interesting experience. it's frustrating that so many women base their personal appearance on what the world thinks and expects of them, rather than their own preferences, because really no matter what you do you cannot please everybody.
i am not my hair. it does not reflect my intelligence, education, or organizational skills. and most importantly, what i do with my hair is not a statement of where i belong. if there's anything i hate, it's being pigeonholed based on race, sex, my choice of major, anything; but especially something like my hair. i change my hair when i get bored with it, and so do many other women, so why are you going to judge me based on what it's doing today? could you possibly be any more stupid?

O.o

how the hell did i become a relationship counselor for my friends? and since when did my advice apparently not suck?
quite honestly, i fail so hard at people sometimes that i'm surprised when people ask me things like i have my shit together. but i think it's even weirder when they say it's good advice. maybe i should start following some of it...

things i don't want to say

i'm halfway determined not to go back to new york again; or at least, not to see people who aren't family. when i go back, i go for the weekend most of the time and i only have saturday evening to hang out with friends. i give people at least a week's worth of notice that i want to see them, and invariably i get screwed. plans don't get made, or they do and then someone bails, or family is conveniently taking up an entire weekend and i'm left feeling like nobody actually wants to see me. and then to top it off, people then have the balls to give me shit about how i never visit.
it makes me sad to have to say this, but i am done putting up with this nonsense. some of these people are the reasons i made it through high school relatively unscathed, but i have other people in my life now who actually give a damn about me. i know that everyone's time is precious; so is mine. i'm not going to waste my weekends on a bus just so i can stay home saturday night because plans got fucked again. from now on, if you want to see me that badly you can get yourself on a bus and come to boston. stop making me waste my time.

my ex. again.

i think everyone has an ex that they wish would leave them alone. mine decided to IM me again today. i broke up with him last september after dating for three months, and for some reason he still tries to talk to me.
i defriended him a few months after the breakup, because the temptation to facebook-stalk him was almost as annoying as he was. even after months of my ignoring his messages, he'd still IM me and ask me if we could talk, or if i had a problem with him, or various little things like that, so i did the most logical thing possible: sent him an email. a cold, PR-toned email signed with my professional signature. you'd think that would be some sort of signal, but it appears not. he's IMed me twice more since then, and while i know he just wants to be friends i would prefer not to be. we weren't friends before we dated: why should we be now, when i know that we have little in common intellectually or in any other regard? if it wasn't worth it to me to maintain a long-distance relationship, when i presumably felt something for him, why should it be worth my while now to begin a friendship that can't possibly function?
i understand that it's difficult to have someone drop out of your life entirely, particularly if you dated at some point, but by the same token it's difficult to have someone show up in your life periodically when you don't want to deal with them. and i do realize that this post sounds bitchy, but anything that causes me any stress or irritation gets removed from my life. it's the healthiest way for me to be.

is this how dan savage feels?

sometimes i wish people would stop asking me for relationship advice. i'm on my third boyfriend and finally in a stable relationship. that doesn't mean i have any idea about how anything works. i got lucky. that's about it.
and just because i'm a girl doesn't mean i can understand your ex. i don't know why she stalks you, i don't know why she defriended you on facebook, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. stop asking me. and stop asking me about cold heartless exes, because i am one and i frankly can't see your perspective.
i don't give advice voluntarily. this might be because it doesn't normally work.

disclosures

i think i'm beginning to understand why you should never tell people who know you that you have a blog.
i know too many people who judge, too many people who can't keep their mouths shut, too many people who are the sort to talk to me about what i write while in the company of others. and now i haven't posted properly in a while, because what's on my mind involves certain people that a good chunk of people know: and while i'd love to just vent it all out like i need to, i don't really feel like subjecting them and their lives to inordinate scrutiny. so i'm once again reduced to dumping my woes on friends while this blog languishes and, in all probability, has an emotional crisis due to an inability to fulfill its intended purpose.
once my life starts behaving normally again and i go back to having regular arguments with people, all will be well and good. until then, here's something happy and fun to amuse yourselves with.

an angry rant about beer

beer should be feminized as far as possible. clearly because i have a uterus i am not to drink real beer, but i am also not allowed to drink cocktails if i want them, because they are too stereotypically girly. the only way i am drinking beer from a stemmed glass is if it's meant to be there in the first place, like a belgian. NO FUCKING WAY will i let anyone rape my alcohol by making it girly.
i have guy friends who are girlier than i am when it comes to drinking. somehow we don't judge men who like cosmos, but god forbid a woman drink *gasp* a proper martini and not a floral beer in a stemmed glass! she isn't drinking beer! she must be shown that beer is okay to drink if you're female! let's take away her whiskey and her gin & tonics, because mixed drinks are so feminine!
can you tell that alcohol-related stereotypes make me angry?

tony awards (somewhat) liveblog

minor alert. i am not blogging the awards themselves, just my reactions to the whole thing. enjoy the madness.
8:03 OMG PURPLE DRESS karen olivo you are ahhhh gorg
8:04ish OH GOD IT IS BRET MICHAELS MY SOUL DIES
8:07 dolly parton should definitely be falling over. physics fail.
8:12 NEIL PATRICK HARRIS TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES your suit: is it leather? it shines much. also, you are hot.
8:15 damn jane fonda looks good. and she's 72. I WANT TO AGE LIKE HER.
8:28 GRATUITIOUS WICKED REFERENCE yeah shrek!
8:29 "and btw" oh neil patrick harris for speaking internet.
8:48 i want that purple dress so much and i must go see west side story
9:06 i suddenly feel the need to go see rock of ages. GRATUITOUS CROTCH SHOT WHAT
9:14 liza minelli is definitely drunk already. what. and you know if they turn the music up on her she will be like DO NOT CUT ME OFF BITCHES
9:18 sound fail. gosh.
9:20 I LOVE HIS VOICE and OMG WHERE DID SHE COME FROM WHAAAT that is not in guys and dolls. my high school is doing guys and dolls this fall.
9:28 WHAT are you wearing? both of you. feathers? a stripey bow? seriously?
9:29 i actually think i might love the bow.
9:32 OMG KAREN OLIVO I LOVE YOU she is bawling and it is adorable
9:51 broadway is dark.
10:03 i want to see god of carnage now.
10:08 good lord. the angry dance out of billy elliot. good lord.
10:16 YEEEE GREEK CHORUS legally blonde looks adorableeeee
10:35 HAIR
10:38 oh cheno =) you are so cute
10:43 this has been such fun, evidently i must do it for every awards show from now on, but i am so done for the night
10:51 OMG THE LITTLE BOYS AHHHH SO CUTE okay i am done for tonight

defcon is destroying my weekend

fuck you, defcon,

• for taking a few awesome people away from me for the entire weekend
• for destroying my chances of going to jp licks with said awesome people tonight
• for making me hella bored whenever it's discussed, because i'm no codemonkey
  
• for making me feel like a needy selfish bitch about it all

what the fuck.

mass media and fear. oh, and stupidity too.

it disturbs me that people can be so credulous of what the media feeds them. that stupid "vaccinations cause autism" scare going around? you'd think teachers would have the sense not to believe everything without checking it first, but that would appear to be the opposite of truth. of course, my high school orchestra director is also apparently a crazy bleeding-heart liberal and only posts media sensationalism on his facebook. he also plays the bagpipes and is an amusing man.
of course, there are other explanations for this too. maybe i'm much more of a skeptic than most people i know: but only the ones from high school. maybe it's the scientific mentality i have. or maybe my standards for the world are also too high. whatever the case may be, there is only one thing i can say that is most definitely truth. the mainstream media (both right and left) needs to have the stupid and the fear-mongering beat out of it. with a big stick.

i'm no sorority girl

a friend of mine asked me earlier today whether i would ever consider joining a sorority, then asked me for my reasons when i told him i never would.
for the most part, i don't like being around women. we're taught from a very early age that we need to conform as closely as possible to a certain ideal: the face we need to project, the body we should have, and the personality we should express. we're also told to manipulate men and tear down other women in order to get ahead and be "independent," yet society is constantly telling us that we need a man constantly in our lives so that we can be complete.
and women buy into this nonsense, to the point where we're bitchy and catty and will destroy others at the drop of a hat if there's even the slightest sign that it may benefit us somehow.
granted, there are women who don't behave like this and are actually decent human beings, but most definitely not enough.

judgements

people are ridiculous and care way too much about what other people think of them. a wall post from one friend of mine to another popped up in my feed literally 5 minutes ago, and being the stalker i am, i read it. nothing particularly sketchy (badly spelled though) and halfway through the post i see "for ppl reading this im not lesbo" and it made me go WTF?! like for real. i have sketchy wall-to-walls with my girls all the time and i feel no need to clarify whether or not i'm straight. and just the way it was written made me go "well, what do you think is so bad/wrong about being a lesbian that you feel the need to clarify to people that you aren't one?" it's not illegal, and it's nobody else's business. and if you think your friends are judging you and going to hate you because of your sexual orientation, then maybe you should re-evaluate your friendships and the reasons behind them. friends don't judge each other based on little things like that. come to think of it, nobody should judge others based on orientation.

home #1

people keep complaining at me for deciding against spending my summer in new york. and i wish i could tell them all to shut up and get their own lives on track, but that's probably rude.
when i was deciding what i would do this summer, i told my parents quite plainly that coming back to long island was the last thing i wanted to do, and that i'd only do it if i couldn't find a research position up here. and you know what? they were completely okay with it and understood exactly where i was coming from. unfortunately, most of the other people i know are behaving rather selfishly about the whole thing. i will be doing what i want to do - working in lab, flying kites, and spending time with awesome people - and if people really cared about me they'd understand that.
home is not where you grew up. home is not the place where you sleep every night. home is where you feel you belong. and for me, that's here.

the wee hours of the morning

why do people think that it's perfectly all right for them to call me at 330 am simply because i'm now their go-to person for relationship questions? i understand that some things are important, but "can you come to the movies with me friday?" could absolutely have waited till an hour when both the sun and i are generally up. especially on a night that i'm actually sleeping. thank goodness the txt at 43o didn't wake me >.<

cats and the internet

people need to stop creating blogs and/or twitter accounts for their pets. it is not cute. it is stupid and makes the rest of the universe want to vom. same goes for dressing your pets in doll clothes. IMMATURE. obviously you care not for your pet's sanity. also, it means that you are well on your way to being a crazy cat lady. stop talking about your cat. nobody cares what you think he's thinking. what he is in actuality always thinking (or at least what i would be thinking, if i were unlucky enough to be your cat) is something along the lines of DEAR SWEET GOD HAVE THIS GIRL COMMITTED BEFORE SHE DRIVES ME INSANE. and then i would swat you in the face. with my claws.

bathroom awkwardness

i will never understand why people feel the need to start conversations in the bathroom. i guess it's something to take your mind off the fact that you REALLY NEED TO PEE and OH GOD THERE IS ONLY ONE STALL AND FOUR PEOPLE AHEAD OF ME but seriously it can be so awkward. there are two kinds of awkward bathroom conversations.
1) people you once met, but as luck would have it, you do not speak to and thus cannot remember their names.
actually, this one happens outside of bathrooms a lot too. it's just that in a bathroom you cannot make some excuse and get away politely. and of course they remember things about you that you told them, but you have no clue who they are so you're left faking your way through and hoping that they don't realize that they look exactly like four other generic tiny brown chicks that you met last week and you don't know which one they are.
2) people you don't know at all and have never spoken to, but who also know things about you.
this girl auditioned for my a cappella group this winter and we didn't take her, mostly because we weren't looking for girls at the time. she's since become a really big fan and comes to all our concerts. guess who i ran into in the bathroom today. super awks.
so basically if you run into people you know peripherally in the bathroom, do them a favor and don't start a conversation. most likely they just need to pee.